Tuesday, 13 March 2018

- Antidepressants -

 antidepressants are quite scary. 
for me personally anyway, it was at the most pivotal moment when i decided i needed to be on them.

i'd had a rough day, i'd ended up crying over something and it was crying to the point of not being able to breathe, i'd built up all these feelings and i'd bottle it up every single time so when i did eventually just breakdown, i BROKE down. 
to the point where i just couldn't stop crying, no real reason but i just couldn't stop and i needed help. 

and that's me in a nutshell, i bottle everything up and so i'm just a ticking time bomb of tears ready to happen. 
i didn't wanna be on antidepressants not because of the stigma around them but because they make you put weight on and if you've previously read any of my other posts you'll know that's something i absolutely dread. so after a while i just stopped taking them because i was scared of getting sick again. 

and then it'd happen over and over again until i felt like i was finally stable enough in my recovery of anorexia that i could put weight on without it being the end of the world, so i decided to give antidepressants another go. 
it took me ages to finally find the pill right for me, some had lactose in and i'm allergic, some made me see things that weren't there, some just generally made me feel worse and then the 'magic pill' came along. 

it finally felt like a weight off my shoulders, i personally began to feel like a lost cause and that nothing was ever going to help but it has. 
don't get me wrong, it's taken since my early teens to now to actually find something that works and is effective. i remember being so against pills not for anyone else but for me because i know pills do work but it takes time for them to actually work and you've got to be patient and know that pills aren't just a quick fix like some may think. 

i still on occasion have my little breakdowns but that's just because i absolutely hate talking about my feelings, i absolutely hate being vulnerable to anyone and i guess sometimes my own feelings scare me. 
anxiety, depression and my eating disorder they all still have their voices very prominent in my mind, on a bad day it could go from 0 - 100 real damn quick but i'm learning how to keep them at the back of my mind because i know damn well they aren't just going to leave. 

i'm the one that's in control and you've always got to think about what's the best possible solution for you, whether it be counselling or medication or something completely different. there's always a solution and you'll always find it no matter how long it takes. 

L x

Thursday, 1 March 2018

- anxiety + depression -

on a daily basis these two rule my life.
anxiety -
i overthink absolutely everything, i struggle to join into conversations over fear of saying the wrong thing, i get shaky and nervous over scenarios i've created in my own head.
i can barely make eye contact with you unless i'm ridiculously comfortable with you, anxiety gives me this huge fear of everything and it makes me second guess people that truly i shouldn't.
everything matters no matter how small or minuscule it seems to others.

depression -
exhaustion. loss of hope. it's like drowning except you can see everyone around you breathing.
it's like swimming with rocks on your back, sinking trying to get above water, but every time you try and reach for that light above the water you sink further and fall harder every single damn time.

but living with both?

i'm being torn in different directions every day, it's like having an angel and the devil on each shoulder. it's wanting to do something, just getting out of the same old scenery but not having the strength to go shower, put clothes on and actually leave.
But when I do go out it's all of the physical symptoms of anxiety that present themselves, it's the stuff nobody likes to talk about..
getting the shakes, heartbeat going faster than it should, feeling like you could pass out any second, the feeling that your entire tummy is in one big knot getting tighter and tighter and lastly the nervous pee's and poop's..

And the worst thing about anxiety is the fact it could be the smallest of issues that make you feel anxious as hell, on a good day i can will myself out of bed, get ready etc and usually shit won't phase me as much as it would when i'm having a bad day.
the thing that makes me anxious etc could be a recent thing or something from years ago, it could be the most insignificant thing to happen YET i'll still spend hours to days overthinking every possible thing i did or said wrong.

i can go from being really happy one minute then i'll think about something and overthink it and change my mood within the space of 0.2 seconds. i can be my own worst enemy and it's genuinely fucking awful.
my own self doubt and my own 'trust' issues i guess constantly niggle at me every single day, it's like my head is already waiting for shit to go bad just so i can be like ''i told you so'', and then i put my barriers and defenses back up, time and time again.

- suicide -
it's something that used to be in my head constantly, should i? what if? what would happen? i'd spend hours and hours just thinking about it but i knew i could never act on it. i physically wanted more.
i wanted more than this.
i'd be having a really bad day and with them kinda days the feeling of nothingness, numbness and just nothing.
i'd be numb to the feelings, i couldn't laugh, be sad or whatever and getting to a point where you just wake up and look at the ceiling until it's time to close your eyes again and do it all over the next day that really fucking sucked.

i starved myself, i wanted control and at that time in my life i couldn't control anything so i found the next best thing. my eating.
obviously i rarely do that now but it all ties in, it all goes hand in hand together and honestly i think it makes an impact to this post anyway..

i suffer with anxiety and depression.
but there's more to me than mental illness.
right now though, 
i'm a beautiful young woman that struggles daily but has never given up, i've shown time and time again that i'm a fighter and it's never been in my nature to give up on myself or the people i love. 
self love and self care can be two of the most important things when you're struggling. 
i have some really really amazing people in my life and there's people that have never ever given up on me no matter how hard i get and for that i'l always be eternally grateful.

Remind yourself every single damn day that you're the baddest bitch, you're the Queen or King and you can conquer absolutely anything and if you tell yourself that enough then eventually you'll have that mindset. 

L x

Monday, 5 February 2018

MURDERERS: Andrea Yates - Mental Health Series -

Before anyone says anything, I'm not condoning anything this woman did. 
Being mentally ill is no excuse for the tragic incident that happened and quite frankly it's a genuine tragedy. 


First of all, let's give you an insight into her history..
She had a deep battle with bulimia and she'd suffered quite severely with depression also, by the age of 17 she was talking to her friends about suicide, so that shows just where her mind was at. 
In school she was the class valedictorian, captain of the swim team AND an officer in the national honor society, so she seemingly had ALOT of things going for her at that time despite her mental health issues.

In the summer of 1989 she met Russell 'Rusty' Yates, they later went on to marry in April 1993.
They announced to friends and family ''they would seek to have as many babies as nature allowed.''
They appeared to be the perfect couple until after the birth of her fourth child Luke. 
She became severely depressed and on June 16th 1999, 'Rusty' found her shaking and chewing her fingers.
The next day she attempted to commit suicide by overdosing on pills, she later got admitted to hospital and prescribed antidepressants. In my opinion I'd say at this point in her life this is where the beginning of her psychosis started..

Soon after she got released she begged 'Rusty' to let her die as she held a knife up to her neck. 
Once again she got hospitalized and was put on a cocktail of medications including Haldol, also she was taking 450 milligrams of Effexor.
If you don't know what Haldol is, it's an antipsychotic drug that decreases excitement in the brain. It's used to treat psychotic disorders like schizophrenia, to control motor (movement) and verbal (for example, Tourette's syndrome) tics and is used to treat severe behaviour problems in children. 
Her condition improved almost immediately whilst taking Haldol and on her release she was prescribed this drug, she appeared to be temporarily stabilized. 
Although Rusty thought she was ''severely over medicated.''

In July 1999, she suffered a nervous breakdown, two failed suicide attempts and two psychiatric hospitalizations later and she finally gets diagnosed with postpartum psychosis. 
Her psychiatrist urged her and 'Rusty' not to have anymore children because it would guarantee future psychotic depression.

Now before we continue, let's just learn a little bit about her husband..
He was a very religious man, he believed a woman's only/sole purpose was childbearing.
He soon introduced his wife to these misguided views of Christianity.
He believed in the 'dark side' of religion.
Some of the ideas espoused by the likes of Russell Yates and his ''spiritual advisor'' are just plain false. 
But the bottom line of the belief system goes like this..
World bad. Only some Christians with special knowledge good. 
Men rule. Women submit. Have babies. Stay removed from the world's decay. 

Andrea herself was already mentally unstable which would have helped him manipulate his wife into believing this.
So, whilst Andrea was struggling she continued to have children and in March 2000 she stopped taking Haldol. Against her psychiatrists advice, she was warned it would help her uncontrollable actions and she'd improve but she decided against that. On the 30th November 2000, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Mary.

The death of her father. 
The death of a loved one, the grief, the heartache, the pain.
That affects anyone but someone that's got a history of mental illness and just straight up not being able to cope.
March 12th 2001, a father she adored, she didn't know how to cope and control her emotions or even grieve properly. 
Grief stricken she started to harm herself and not feed her youngest baby.

This was the stressor for the terrible and truly distressing events that later occurred.
This was just the beginning..
Whilst she was previously in group therapy, she'd called herself  'Andrea Depression', Rusty kept thinking that she was the sickest person in the room.

Once again she got hospitalized until the insurance ran out even though everyone could see and knew she was still very very sick.
According to 'Rusty' Yates.. 
''The nurses lowered their heads in shame and embarrassment, and turned to walk away without saying a word, knowing that Andrea was too sick to be released. They couldn't do anything else, Rusty understood, because the ten day insurance stay had run out, so he took his wife home.''

One month after she was released Rusty left her alone with the five kids, he left her alone with them for one hour and in that hour, she drowned her children one by one.
Rusty has previously said he believes all Andrea needed was to not be babied and get a reality check. 

She desperately needed help and personally because of the help she failed to receive she was really just a  ticking time bomb. 
I think nurses/doctors have a responsibility, they have a duty of care and in this case, insurance is more important than a mentally unstable woman with five children.

She currently lives in a minimum security facility and says she grieves for her children every single day and Rusty got remarried.

L x

Wednesday, 24 January 2018

MURDERERS: Raoul Moat - Mental Health Series -

Before anyone tries to say anything about this post, I'd just like to say I'm not in any way whatsoever condoning the actions of this man, and in no way am I giving the excuse of being mentally ill for this either.
Whether you're mentally ill or not anybody is capable of things as horrific as these.


His mother who has a history of mental illness took a lot of things out on him, she burnt all of his toys in front of him, beat and abused him which over time all these feelings of rage, resentment and just pure anger built up over time. He'd bottled up all of these emotions throughout his life and he was just a volcano waiting to erupt..

Let's skip into his adult life now, he's an angry volatile person to be around, he works as a doorman and he had several kids (don't quote me on the number lmao) and he's just been put into prison serving an 18 week sentence.
Whilst in prison his girlfriend of 6 years contacts him and ends the volatile relationship. 
She also lets him know she's got a new man and he's a police officer..

By this time, he'd already believed the police were out to get him so her saying that added fuel to the already lit fire which was Raoul. Even before he got put into prison he grew increasingly paranoid and had CCTV cameras put all over his property to ''prove'' the police were hassling him, there's also recordings of him saying he could prove that he never assaulted his ex girlfriend but since he's deceased there's really no way of finding proper ''proof''.
This is still before he got put into prison, his paranoia was overtaking him. He truly believed people were out to get him so he'd sleep with an axe and a crossbow under his bed. 

And that really tells you where his mindset is at..

Whilst in prison he had several meetings with social workers which he'd repeatedly told them he'd like to speak to a psychiatrist regularly just in case something is actually wrong with him.
In his own words..
''I'm quite emotionally unstable you know, I get myself over the top happy sometimes, and I have my bad days you know.'' 

He begged to get help and his pleas fell on deaf ears. He's extremely desperate to get some kind of help so he doesn't end up losing his children. 

As an adult he grew to have nightmares, and in these nightmares he was a seven year old boy being chased by monsters.
He grew up plagued by bad dreams and memories of what was his childhood, from early on he bottled up the negative feelings like rejection, rage, anger, etc.
It appears that during his prison stay his mental health was slowly deteriorating more and more.
Every time you ask for help, and just get pushed away. It makes you feel more and more defeated and that would have only added to the frustration which again he bottled up all of his emotions as a child and that being his coping mechanism. 

''The more you block things out, the more numb you become in the heart, you know. You get to a point where happiness to you is just like, neither here nor there.''

36 hours after he got released he was seen on CCTV  buying camping equipment which shows whatever plan or idea he had in his head he was ready to go through with it. 
He was also seen on his OWN CCTV cameras on his property with the sewn off shotgun he purchased.

He'd put a status on Facebook which read..

''I've lost everything...
I'm not 21 and I can't rebuild my life.
Watch and see what happens.''

So, it's clear where his head is at. 
He's out of prison. He's feeling like he's lost everything. He blames his ex girlfriends new partner who he believes is on the police force and he's ready to get revenge.

He's shot his ex girlfriend twice and thankfully she survived, he then went on to shoot Christopher Brown three times and unfortunately he didn't survive. 

This became Britain's LONGEST manhunt. 
Several arrests were made in connection to his whereabouts but somehow he was always one step ahead of the police until they found him in Rothbury.
After 5 hours of him building a rapport with a skilled negotiator something switched up and he finally said..
''It ends in this field tonight.''

The police had also tasered him but he'd put the gun to his head and shot himself, he got rushed to a Newcastle hospital and then later died.

I personally believe everyone got let down here. 
I'm not making ANY excuse for him for doing what he did but in a way I believe there's a possibility it could have been prevented had he been given some kind of help. 
I also believe that had he been taught to deal with his emotions differently by that help provided, people wouldn't have lost their lives because of his actions. 
I think it's a really sad and disappointing situation because on the recordings which you can find on YouTube etc, you can hear how desperate he is and his own brother said in an interview on the documentary Real Crime did that he was on the verge of having a very severe breakdown. 

L x

Friday, 12 January 2018

- loneliness -

being mentally ill is draining.
having both anxiety and depression is like two sides constantly in war with eachother, you've got the anxious side of me that would love nothing more than to go out, make more friends etc and then you've got the depressive side of me that would rather take depression naps like 5 times a day, stay up til at least 4am and then sometimes have a lil cry before I sleep then do it all over again the next day..

for a little while now i've had literally no idea of what to write about, i've had no motivation to even write but then i figured why not write about something i'm feeling more frequently so here it is..

i'm not sure why i've suddenly been feeling like this, i just feel really fucking sad. 

i have 5746485929 things going round my head all at once and all i'm doing is overthinking every single little detail. i'll be laid in bed thinking of something that happened literally months ago and i'll get upset and it's a constant cycle of this.
i'm a creature of habit, so when something has changed it completely knocks me and i won't know how to function the same. even if it's the tiniest change, it kinda just knocks a chink off my armor and i'll feel really lost. 
lost and lonely. the two most prominent feelings lately. 

 i tend to keep everything in but my mam always said i'm like a sponge and there's only so much i can take until i explode and just end up crying my eyes out lmao. 
which also doesn't happen often but when it does, it's like i'm broken and i don't wanna feel broken anymore.

i just don't know what to do anymore, and i get frustrated because i have no reason to feel like this but i do and it freaking sucks.

L x

Thursday, 28 December 2017

- ''the one'' -

I always wondered how people knew 
who the 'one' was..

Was it the way they made you feel?
Was it the way you felt around them?
I knew with the way I felt around you
a calmness wrapped around me like a blanket
a safety net that would never break

I knew it was more than a lusting for you

You made me feel excited and fearless 
as if we were now conquering the world together

Then as quickly as everything started
It all changed 

We threw ourselves into this world 
that we knew nothing of 

Sunday, 17 December 2017

- a lil reflection on this year -

Last year I was incredibly insecure, I was struggling with anxiety really bad, I was wasting so much on someone that didn't even deserve half an hour of my time. 
Anyway, I vowed to myself that since that I was gonna work on myself and if I met someone during that time then wicked but I wasn't going to purposefully set out and actually look for a relationship.

I put that extra bit of effort into my blog and I put everything into this and slowly I felt more like myself, I found this inner confidence and I didn't have to fake the whole body posi etc, I grew to love my flaws, I grew to love the things I always used to hate. 
Eventually whilst I was finding what makes me happy, someone came into my life and honestly I was just happy to finally have a friend who was so similar to myself. 
I didn't meet him for weeks, maybe even a couple months because I was a big ball full of anxiety and depression.I was scared to even pursue a relationship with my bestfriend because I struggle to trust people, I either trust too much or too little. 

There's so many things that could have gone wrong with the whole dating your bestfriend scenario, my mental health goes up and down but when it's down it get to the point where I don't leave my bed, I just feel sorry for myself til something snaps me outta it and would I want someone I love to see me like that? No way, not in the slightest. 
I push people away, I don't like telling people my feeling's because I feel overly vulnerable when if I hadn't of told them personal shit then I wouldn't feel so vulnerable, you know?
I always keep my defenses up because I'm so fucking scared of people leaving me, I've gotten to a point where I'm absolutely sick of everyone leaving. 

But I faced my fears, and took that plunge. 
Shit isn't easy, but love always wins throughout everything. 
I look after my mental health way more than I used too, I eat alot more than I used too. When I'm sad I force myself to eat so I don't get them bad habits again, but most importantly I learnt that you can't love somebody else completely until you love yourself.

I still don't trust anybody 100% like my mama told me not to and obviously there's shit you work on.
If shit goes well then I'll have to learn to stop bloody doubting everyone and everything but if not then it's a new lesson I guess.

Suffering with any mental illness can be absolutely debilitating, it can knock you to your knees if you let it, but it's about time now that I stopped letting my depression, my insecurities and everything else make me overthink shit and you just gotta go with it.

L x