Saturday, 21 October 2017

- little ramblings -

hello! 
i've been writing this blog for over a year now, there's been so many great things to come out of this, there's been some truly awful things I've wanted to write about but to allow myself to be that vulnerable was freakin scary. 

the things i've learnt the most from this is body POSITIVITY and SELF LOVE.
i'm not even gonna lie, i used to be SO envious of people who just didn't give a damn. 
the people who just looked so goddamn comfortable in their own skin. i envied that SO bad. 
growing up, getting bullied, constantly getting told i'm 'fat' and then eventually developing anorexia, 
i was just so uncomfortable being me. 
weight issues since around high school have always been quite problematic for me. 
if i was feeling sad or was just having a bad day i wouldn't eat, i wouldn't even try and force myself to. 
now let me tell you all how things have changed...


i'm one of them people i used to look up to, this summer i went to this beach with my favourite people, i went in to the FREEZING cold sea in a bikini and it felt SO empowering. 
for so long hating my body, hating my stretch marks, my freckles, my dimples etc. 

there were so many nights i'd spend looking at the ceiling wishing i was dead, wishing things were different, wanting to just end it all but something constantly held me back from doing so. i was just so fuckin fed up with being me, i was fed up of people disliking me in school, i was fed up of it all. 
i hated all the things that made me, me and nowadays the things i once despised, are now my favourite things about myself. 
my accent, my stretch marks, my freckles, even my scar on my elbow. 

if you've made it this far into this post, thankyou but there's so much more i wanna say so please keep reading haha..

during the period of time i was in high school and getting bullied etc - i became full of pure hatred for myself and i'd convince myself that i deserved this, i deserved to be constantly belittled so even when those girls/guys left school, i kept that mentality. friends wanna belittle me yet laugh about it? i'll laugh too cos honestly, i was scared everyone would leave. 
i still get scared people will leave, it's probably one of my biggest fears. 
someone who i absolutely adore and love with my every being, leaving me and me having to try and pick up all the pieces they broke. 

this gal here is my sister. Jade. 
she's held me every time i've been crying my eyes out, she's stood up and fought for me, she's put her worries aside every time to take care of me and my worries. 
she's my absolute bestfriend, there's been so many times where i've just wanted to call it all quits and give up on everything especially myself and she wouldn't let me. 
she's one of the most courageous, selfless people i know and quite frankly i'd be lost without her. 

i'm just feeling really thankful for everyone that pushed me and made me fight each and every day, i deserve so much more than i was giving myself but most importantly, i'm human. 
humans aren't always bursting with pure happiness but i no longer cry myself to sleep wanting to die.. i go to sleep thankful for the people around me.

it'll sound weird this but i'm thankful for my anxiety, depression and for my recovery from an eating disorder because honestly it's made me who i am, all the shit that i've been through, it's made me grow and have more empathy towards others..

thankyou all for being on this journey with me, i appreciate it more than you'll all ever know..

L x


Sunday, 15 October 2017

- mama's lil traveller -

let me just first point out that i suffer with depression and anxiety, two very destructive awful things. 
i used to date this guy James and then it ended because he went off to uni blah blah blah. 
he stayed my bestfriend and nothing really changed, i'd always said if he ever wanted me to com see him i would and this is exactly how this post came to exist..

Friday the 13th possibly unluckiest of days came - i was on my way to see my bestfriend and let me just tell you, i had the WORST nervous belly, my brain was literally screaming all the bad things that could happen but honestly i was desperate to see him again so i said fuck you to my brain and followed my heart.. (best decision ever)

i went on a fuck tonne of trains and honestly i thought i'd get lost because i'm awful at directions but thankfully (praise the lord) i didn't once get lost..
and then came the moment i saw him, in all his glory. 
all that was going through my head was "god. i've missed him. he's so frickin handsome."
just thinking about it now makes me go all teary eyed, the last time i saw him was way before he'd even left for uni so to see him then god, i was so happy.
he grabbed my hand and we made our way back to his mates car, we'd gone into his room and my heart was bursting with love for him. i just wanted to tell him everything i never said when we first dated and i just wanted him to know that no matter how long i'd wait. 

there's several things this trip has taught me but here's most important - 

1 - appreciate the things and the people around you, appreciate the change and most importantly value them around you because it's an amazing feeling knowing someone actually wants you around.

2 - never ever let anxiety win. never do it, never let it control you and stop you from doing the things you really wanna. anxiety sucks. it's frickin awful but you know what? it's not as strong and as powerful as it thinks it is. you have the power to overrule it, yes it may be hard and you might be so goddamn scared but being a lil scared is okay.

L x



Thursday, 28 September 2017

- love - anxiety - stigma -

relationships are already hard but mental illness changes a person,
sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. 
alot of the time i wish i weren't full of anxieties, i wish i didn't have to be so reliant on anti depressants. 
there's a HUGE stigma towards dating someone with mental illness, purely for the fact there's still a huge stigma towards mental health in general. 
Joe Weller is a Youtuber with over 4 mil subscribers, recently him and KSI did a 'press conference' and that's something KSI brought up..
''you're unstable''
''do you need drugs to stay sane bro?''
''are you depressed.. what're you gonna do then?''

BIG Youtubers talking openly about mental health inspires and helps younger viewers that don't really know what's going on inside their heads, it helps them understand and realise they aren't alone, mental health is one thing in this world that doesn't discriminate. famous, or not famous, rich, or not rich, it doesn't matter how much money you have in this world. mental health issues can still affect you.

the fact that someone who has a HUGE following of teenagers and young people can say something so damaging and so stigmatizing is crazy. and the fact he came out and said afterwards that he said it 'in the heat of the moment' i think personally isn't true. why would something so personal like that be in his head anyway? trying to use someone else's issues against them is absolutely disgusting. you have to be the lowest of the low to try and get a reaction out of someone by mentioning something that is so goddamn harmful.

in 2014 in the UK over 6 thousand suicides of children aged 10 and over. imagine that, 6000 boys and girls, little children deciding their life isn't worth it anymore.. young people aged like this are viewers of KSI so imagine if some of them watched his videos to make them forget about the awful day they've had and it comes out their idol is basically just mocking them. 
don't get me wrong, i used to watch KSI's videos and it's only recently that i've been watching Joe Weller but mental health and talking about it can be incredibly powerful and for someone so big on Youtube to mock it, something just needs to be said.

if Joe see's this (doubtful..) but if he does, i'd absolutely LOVE to talk to you about what we can do to help young people stop suffering in silence.

L x


Wednesday, 27 September 2017

//

anxiety

the burden of you
the thing that follows
you around 
never leaves 

makes you feel like
youre trapped
but inside your mind

that loneliness 
that burden

that sudden urge to cry 
cry over such little things
the constant overthinking

pushing people away just because
you're scared they'll leave first
so you hurt them before
they ever get a chance to hurt you

wanting to go out
wanting some kinda normality
but your head is constantly
tormenting you

late nights
can't sleep
your brain working overtime
making you overthink
every. little. thing.

a good day can turn into a bad one
within the space of the click of a finger
holding back tears
wanting to close yourself off
wanting to just hide under your duvet
and forget the day

wanting to just curl into your mams arms
like a baby
feeling helpless

anxiety isn't something to be glamorized
it isn't just being a little nervous
anxiety

x o


Tuesday, 19 September 2017

- change -

if anyone knows me, they'll know i absolutely despise change.
it sucks.
recently, alot of things have changed. my bestfriend went off to uni (still mega proud of you peanut),
people have come in and out of my life, people that i'd considered good friends but people change and that's just how things go.

usually when things are about to change, i turn into a complete arse (i'm still working on myself), like i don't mean to be a complete dickhead to the people i genuinely care about but when i think people are leaving i always figure i'll hurt them before they hurt me so i don't seem weak or they won't see me vulnerable but that's just lame.
having feelings in no way make you weak, they make you human.

i'm still adjusting to recent changes and nights can be worse than days but honestly, i feel kinda hopeful for the way things are going now.
i'm now going to embrace change, i'm going to welcome it with open arms.
i'll be quite happy if things change even more soon, it's all just a learning curve and with life you can never stop learning.

having anxiety whilst dealing with change can be absolutely awful, a hundred and one things are constantly going round and round in your head.
'i wish i let them know how much i cared'
'i wish....'
you can't change things from the past, you can change how you treat people, you can allow yourself to feel some vulnerability sometimes.

L x 

Friday, 8 September 2017

- recent thoughts -

recently well, for a while now i've just felt 'different'. my moods have been different, the way i feel about things have been different and just what i want in life has been so much different.

my last couple of posts have either been about self realisation or love. which are clearly two very important things in my life. 
and basically, i just wanna write down everything that's bothered me or been bothering me so i hope you all don't mind. 

i'm not an ordinary person, i have a heart full of magic yet i can be so guarded. 
i don't just want any other love, i want something that you can physically feel, i want a love that radiates wherever i go. 
i want a love that happens once in a lifetime yet you remember til your old and grey unless you're one of the lucky ones that stay together through all the rain and storms to the sunshine and good stuff. 

i don't want a love that's simple and easy because it's doubtful that a love like that would even last, i want to be with someone that no matter how hard it gets never gives up on us or me, no matter what the people closest to us think of our relationship, i want to be able to put a united front on and show them that we're sticking together throughout it all. but to find someone that loves just as furiously as i do, is an absolute challenge.
in life, not everyone is gonna love the way you love, so trying to find someone that does you gotta keep them around no matter how hard it gets. 

i do have massive trust issues which honestly i'm trying to work on, but it's hard to believe someone's genuine motives and intentions with me when not only do i have trust issues, i suffer quite badly with anxiety also so i'm ALWAYS second guessing myself and the other person. i don't mean to doubt them like i want nothing more than to just be able to trust my 'guy' but it's just hard when everything just seems so bleak. 

all i truly want is someone who'll always hype me up and i'll always do the same, someone who never stops trying to impress me even after so long of being together, someone who never stops trying.. oh and also, someone who comments on all my selfies {because duh}

all i want is to love and be loved,

L x

Thursday, 7 September 2017

- fears within relationships -

throughout most relationships i've had i've written about them on my blog, apart from my last one i guess that was kinda hidden. not because i didn't want anyone to know about him but because i was so scared of it going bad. 


i used to have serious commitment issues, not because i couldn't commit to one guy but because i didn't want to give 120% and just get 20% back you know? and i didn't wanna commit if i didn't think the other person had good intentions..

i'll tell you all a lil story, something not many people know actually..
i fell in love with my best friend, i always kept my feelings hidden so i'd act like a dick the majority of the time but that was just my personality like i guess you could say i was a loveable dick? haha my bad..
we'd go everywhere, we went to the beach SO many times, and also another lil story it was at the top of a cliff where i first told him i was in love with him too..
but anyway back to the main point, i was in love with my best friend and that absolutely scared me. 
i have this huge fear already of losing people and if i lost my boyfriend and my best friend i felt like i'd just be fucking broken man, like proper.

so i kept my feelings hidden until one day i just couldn't do it, i wanted him to be mine, i wanted the world to see just how goddamn lucky i was to even have him and as soon as i got him, it didn't last long til i fucked up.

and my overthinking, my fears that were always lingering in the back of my mind ruined something that could have been amazing got ruined in seconds. 

so lemme tell you all a lil piece of advice, 
if you want someone, tell them, no matter how scared you're feeling. 
you literally have nothing to lose and so much to gain. 
i waited too long to tell my person but it doesn't have to be like that for you all.

L x