Monday, 17 December 2018

aaaaaaaaand i'm done.

 sometimes you just need a friend, someone that'll actually listen and give a fuck.
recently, i thought i had a good couple of friends but changes happen and it is what it is really. 
but sometimes you just want one bloody person to not turn into a dickbag, you know?

miserable or melancholy are probably better words to describe it, it's more than sadness.
i could be in a room full of people yet i'd still be the loneliest, isolated from everybody because plain and simply i don't feel i fit in.

it's actually kinda unreal considering a couple months before i was feeling really bloody happy, everything was going into place and for the first time i felt settled like all the shit that happened before was so this could all happen and it made sense to begin with but now i've thought about it and realized this shit just aint right.
my heart is heavy and every day i wake up in a state of constant dread, and i dread going on about my day. doing the same thing, being around the same people that dislike me, belittle me, etc. 

it's like i constantly try to find this light, to find that one thing that makes it all worth it but the minute i start to find it and i get genuinely so content about it, the other shit just gets overwhelming and it feels suffocating, it feels like i'm trying so goddamn hard to keep it together but it's almost as if all the negative feelings have morphed into a person and it has its hands around my neck so it's getting harder and harder to breathe.

it's really fucking hard to even try and be positive about my current situation purely for the fact besides my family, nobody even understands. but on the rare occasion someone bothers to try an listen all i get is ''do whatever makes you happy'' blah blah blah.
if i knew what happy was then maybe i'd try and accomplish that but i don't.

it really really sucks.

ps - if anybody tries to correct my grammar, piss offfffff.

L x

Thursday, 6 December 2018

.. the joy of change.

alot of people are afraid of change. 
afraid of things not being the same routine based days, day in day out..

i used to crave routine, i couldn't deal with change like at all. not one bit, it made me feel like there was a constant eruption going on in my life and i had absolutely no control over it whatsoever. 
i feared change to the point where even if there was a slight change, my mood would instantly drop and i'd be stuck in my own head for a while.

now after being stuck in the monotony, i crave change.
change is what spurs me on in the morning, it's something i welcome with open arms and embrace it so so tightly.

i crave adventure and i have this real lust for life that i used to fear.

i always say i'm gonna get more posts out and be more frequent but honestly, sometimes writing scares me. putting my thoughts, feelings and my entire heart into every single post makes me feel more vulnerable than i like to be and i get that this is what this blog is but it still makes me bloody petrified.
once upon a time, this blog was the only thing keeping me sane and for some reason the thing keeping me sane is the very thing i'm writing about right now. bloody change.

change only happens if you invite it in, if you welcome it and treat it lovingly, change happens when your life is in need of it.
whether it be a job, a relationship, anything in general. if change happens in your life, and something out of your control happens. allow nature to just take its course, it will get better and if it doesn't then it's not quite over just yet.

and i'm goddamn happy for this change, it feels genuine and good.

i wish i could pour out the contents of my brain right now but i just can't.

Speak to you all soon hopefully.

L x

Monday, 19 November 2018

it's the little things..

it's the little things, the simple pleasures that life has to offer that makes me happy dance inside. 
the people you can talk too for hours on end and not get bored, the people that remember the little things about you and actually listen. 

the people that make you forget just how anxious and stressed you are inside, and they just make you wanna fist pump the air because for the first time in a long ass while i don't constantly feel anxious.
i don't constantly feel like a prisoner in my own body, i feel like i could actually take on the world and that's pretty impressive considering if you knew how i was last year and even the start of this year, i was pretty much a wreck. i'm my own worst enemy at the best of times but then i had this constant war going on inside my head and for a while i thought ''shit, this is how it's always gonna be.''

i think everybody feels insecure and anxious at the best of times but having them as your constant two main feelings, it's fucking draining.
and you actually want to reach out to someone and be like ''i'm really not okay'' but the majority of the time nobody actually listens. people will say they wanna be there for you an everything but deep down i think people know that it's bullshit and they won't contact you again for the next however many years.

i always have 101 things constantly going round and round in my head so to be free of my own insecurities, worries and everything else, it's absolute bliss.
i get asked why i wear as much make up as i do and the reality of it is it's my mask.
it's what hides how i'm really feeling, it makes me feel empowered and quite frankly i feel like i can conquer anything because i'm fearless as hell but in reality i'm full of fear.

i prefer the little things, the little affectionate bouts of passion, i just like knowing someone really cares i guess.

L x

Sunday, 14 October 2018

- long time no write... -

It's been a while since I last posted and it's been even longer since I lost posted frequently so I really do apologise for that. 

So, where do I even begin? 
I want to just confide in you all but I don't even know where to start. 
On the 11th I went to my Grandad's funeral and I did a speech as well, I think I stuttered a little bit but I always do when I get nervous or anxious. I really adored my Grandad but being in a church which I'm not even religious and doing a speech when I have really bad anxiety was so unbelievably hard. 

My heart was beating and I could feel my throat closing up so I just wanted to be over and done with it but the one thing I did so that nobody would know I felt this way was I smiled. I had the biggest smile on my face because I know my Grandad would be smiling if he knew exactly what I was doing. 
I'm not sure how you're supposed to feel when someone passes away but I know there's no wrong or right way to feel. You just feel. 

There's this guy where I work and he'd told me something his Grandad had said to him and basically right now you're a foot soldier, and life throws you these obstacles and it's how you react to them which will either show you you can be a leader or you'l always be a foot soldier. 
And that's stuck with me ever since he said that, I've tried to keep telling myself that when I feel low but sometimes you just react without thinking and that's one thing I urge all of you to not do. 

You've got to think before you do things because every reaction has either an equal reaction or an opposite one. 

- every action has a reaction - 

Before I sign off, I want to firstly thank everybody for reading my blog to begin with and sticking by it with all it's faults. I'm going to try and write more frequently and not be so slack now.

Stay groovy. 

L x

Monday, 25 June 2018


Hello Reader, I'm Liv.

I have a good life, I have an amazing family.
I have a dog called Ronnie who makes my life seem complete.
But there's one thing.

I'm suicidal.

I don't want to die but I guess I don't really want to exist either. 
I sometimes dread waking up because I have to do the same stuff I did yesterday and the day before and the day before that and the day before that etc. 
I feel a certain dread that can only be described as when you're about to cry and you feel that HUGE lump in your throat? But it never goes away, no matter how many times you cry, it doesn't just go. 

Wanting to tell someone, just anyone but knowing they just won't understand and they'll dismiss it which would make you feel even worse so you don't talk. You don't tell anyone. 
You act and pretend like everything's okay until it gets to night time and you feel so alone. 
And it's unbelievably lonely. 

I feel incredibly lonely more than I care to admit, I hide alot of my feelings because I don't want anybody to bother trying to understand because people just don't get it, it always gets dismissed and I don't want to allow myself to be vulnerable if I'm just gonna feel disheartened about it.

But, even feeling like this I'm still a great person. 
I just want to feel something, something more than this. 

I just want to be understood.
I just want to be okay. 

L x

Friday, 15 June 2018

- feelings after my inner demon -

It's been a while since I was at my worst with anorexia, it's been a LONG and extremely hard journey but it isn't over..

When I first suffered, I automatically thought my life was over. I had no hope, everything was just bleak. 
 I continued to fight.. I've battled anxiety, I've fought depression but my eating disorder was possibly my hardest opponent. 
If any of you have seen Harry Potter I'd describe anorexia as Dementors, soul sucking disorders that test you every single minute of the day and quite frankly its exhausting.

I guess this also contributes to the few reasons on why I haven't written a post recently, it's extremely scary putting your most vulnerable feelings out there for everyone to see. It's really quite nerve wracking allowing yourself to be vulnerable and letting people know indirectly what's really going round in your head.

Everybody assumes the hardest part of any eating disorder is the eating disorder itself, in my case it was Anorexia Nervosa. 

In my experience the hardest part is the recovery. Obviously if you've read some of my other posts then you'll know why I developed anorexia and if you haven't read it I got really badly bullied, and I felt so out of control and my eating was the only thing I could really control in my life and I no longer wanted to feel powerless so I took the power and with me doing that I developed Anorexia. 
Years after I first got told I was now in recovery I still struggle. 

I struggle more than I care to admit really.
Some days I know I'm the bomb, I feel confident and wicked etc but on them bad days I feel like I'd rather not exist at all and to be honest I could be having the best day and out of nowhere I'll just feel really fucking sad. I can't even try and explain the reasoning behind why I'm either super super happy or excruciatingly sad, I don't know myself so I can't even begin to get anyone else to know me.

I can't imagine suffering with any mental illness/and an eating disorder and having nobody around me as a support system. Because quite frankly for example, anxiety and depression are both extremely isolating. You could be in a room full of people and they could be all laughing having a great time yet you feel so lonely and your stuck in your head 24/7.
Fortunately for me, I have an amazing support system around me but many many people aren't that lucky and that's why people write.
That's why blogs similar to mine are created, it's why people have social media accounts dedicated to just letting their truths be known. Letting people into their heads without being not anonymous.

It does get better. It gets incredibly better, I might still have ridiculously bad days but that's why I cherish the good days. I cherish them so when shit gets bad I still have some light behind the darkness.

But right now, I'm happy. Really happy, happier than I thought I'd ever be and I just want to let anybody struggling who may read this that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
There's always light in the darkness, you've just got to be willing to find it.
And I've found my light and I hope you all do too.

L x

Wednesday, 11 April 2018

- travelling with J -

on Saturday the 7th of April i went to see Harry Styles, and let me just explain things a lil bit..

whenever i have to go on trains or be somewhere i'll wake up like 6 hours early, i'll have at least 10 alarms set for 5 am and i'll spend the first half hour thinking of the worst possible scenario and get myself into a panic. 
i'll have a shower, but during that shower i'll have an anxiety attack and cry then get out and act like nothing happened then i'll start to get ready and whatnot.

the thing about mental illness though, is that is doesn't just go away. 
no matter how excited/happy you should be, you're still thinking of the worst possible outcome, you're still feeling all the physical symptoms of anxiety, needing to nervous pee, 
feeling like you're gonna puke, headaches, shaking, dry throat.

eventually after all like decades of walking, we made it to the hotel which was swanky as hell!!!
and after i'd done my make up again, we were ready to go eat and then see Harry Styles!
we couldn't eat because the queues were ridiculously long and the waiting times were crazy so we would have missed the concert so we went to the hotel bar instead..
in the moment, i weren't this anxious depressed ridden woman, i wasn't this woman that struggled with shit.
we were just the happiest people in the world and we were waiting to see my favourite artist, the person who's music i play 24/7 which he sings along with me and the majority of the time he doesn't complain.

oh, we drank rum cocktails and i felt AMAZING.

by the time we got to the arena, i was incredibly panicky, my heart kept racing and i felt like i was gonna puke all over myself (thankfully, i didn't) but anyway, we found our seats and we were crazy close to the stage and i couldn't believe i was gonna see him IN THE FLESH finally!!!!!
after all the build up from my birthday, it was finally here and in no way shape or form was i going to let anxiety or depression ruin this for me. 
i was not prepared to let it be ruined over that.

he was finally out here, in the flesh.
he was right in front of my eyes and i couldn't believe it, after so long of looking through instagram videos/pictures, after scrolling through his fan pages for months and months, he was here. 
and it was me that was finally taking pictures and videos of him.
i had this lump in my throat, i wanted to cry..
i was in an arena that held 15,683 and every single seat was taken. for a woman that often panics about leaving my house this was an achievement. 

i couldn't stop shaking, in that exact moment i felt free. 
free from everything that's made me feel like a burden to the people around me.
i feel happiness but not the happiness that goes away as quick as a click of a finger, but the happiness that's stayed and even now it being a memory it still makes me incredibly happy. 

although the day after and just laying down on the bed, i felt mentally exhausted. i was so drained after being so anxious, after having barely any sleep, i just wanted to not be so tense. 
i'd had a bad belly after my stomach being in knots for days, and i still couldn't actually relax.

the thing about mental illness is when you feel like you're at the bottom of the barrel, you feel hopeless, like you've got absolutely nothing going for you. 
you feel like you're this fragile delicate little thing that people just give pity, you have your defenses sky high no matter what.

you feel like you're stuck in this downward spiral and there's no escape from the darkness, from the constant overthinking, from the constant doubt but you are more than that. 
you are more than  how you feel, you are more than mental illness. 
no matter how low and how truly awful you feel, you've all got alot more going for you than any of you realise.

and lastly, never underestimate yourself.

YOU are powerful

YOU are strong

YOU are brave

L x