#33.

Hey guys and girls and everything in between, sorry for the delay with posting I've been ridiculously off it but I'm back, so enjoy..  

This is a time of reflection..

Having an eating disorder is like you wanting to do one thing but your body LITERALLY fucks you up and says 'no bitch, you aren't having this' it's you wanting to tell someone close to you but you being scared. I had and sometimes still do an eating disorder, anorexia to be clear. I got bullied really badly round about the same time I stopped eating and I knew then that I HAD to be in control of something.. I couldn't stop them from bullying me but what I could do is give them one less reason to bully me, I stopped eating. It was scary, but the thing is it felt good being able to control something..
No one understands it, I needed to feel like I was in charge or something whilst all this bullshit was going on, I controlled something.

I'm not going to lie to you all and say I'm cured of it because I'm not. I hate looking like I've put weight on, that's probably my biggest insecurity.

I hope this helps, people who have or know people with eating disorders or issues with eating because honestly you'll never get them to eat by saying 'just do it for me please' that will never ever work.

Ox.

#32.

There's certain situations I desperately wish I could change. Fact.
There's people around me that don't understand why I want to do certain things either, so here is my explanation for this bullshit..

I spent so fricking long being unhappy with myself, every time I tried to be happy with myself and be positive there was negative influences around me, and of course that didn't help at all. I spent so fricking long looking into a mirror and seeing something and someone I didn't like, it made me psychically sick to see pictures of myself or even take pictures of myself because I looked disgusting.
I went through a period of having this constant numbness, I didn't feel anything for anyone, I was emotionless.

Literally, I cared about nothing in this world. I had no friends, no people I'd even talk too, I'd be stuck in my house 24/7 unless I went to doctors appointments or counselling. I trusted no one, I barely trusted myself.
So, being in a state of constant fricking misery isn't healthy let me just say that but no one EVER will understand the pain that's going through your body or your heart. I was on a mission of self destruction and to be honest I didn't care. Family members kept saying do this do that but I couldn't give a shit about it.

I don't know about you guys but when I was growing up I always got told by teachers, my parents, adults blah blah blah.. that you can do anything in this world, you've always got to do stuff that makes you happy. I've now come to a good understanding that when I was little I didn't understand it, I just thought ''oh I can do anything that makes me happy'' but obviously that is not the case, you've got to do stuff that makes YOU happy and the people around you happy. Oh... wait?
How does that make sense? It doesn't right.

But, I've come to the very valid conclusion that NOONE ever in this world gets to have a say on how you want to spend your life, not your parents, not your siblings, NO FUCKING ONE.
Don't let people tell you how to spend your life, because they've got a life of themselves and if they wanna tell you how to live yours then maybe they should probably start doing shit that makes them happy huh.
If I'm in situations that cause me to have anxiety attacks then I'm going to not only do the best thing for me but for my health because there is NO WAY whatsoever that I'm ever going back to the shitty place I was in.

Everyone reading this listen here, never ever let people underestimate you or your dreams, because whilst they've already had their life to live and they've fucked up in some way or whatever they try putting their goals on you and that isn't right at all.
Live for YOU. YOU deserve it, you haven't come all this way just to live your parents or your siblings or anyone else's dreams.

LIVE YOUR DREAMS.

Ox.

#31.

Right enough of stupid relationship posts.. let's get back to where we were..

Hope

Its something we all have, it can be lost very easily when you feel defeated and hopeless.

It can make you feel like mental illness is gonna win, and that you can't survive but boo you can. YOU all can, you don't necessarily need hope, you just need a tiny little bit of self realisation, you need to realise that its tough and its so fucking hard right now, it isn't always gonna be like this.

With mental illness an hour feels like a decade, so feeling hopeless for a couple weeks feels like centuries and months feels like an eternity, but you've got to try and look past it because honestly it isn't always gonna be like this. I got bullied in Primary school because I have an accent, I laughed all that off but then I got bullied again in High school and I can't tell you all just how many times I'd sit in my bathroom on my bathroom floor contemplating whether it'd be worth it to not feel any of this pain again.
I was having a battle within myself, I'm saying this now because I know alot of young people and even older people can understand where I'm coming from because quite frankly bullying happens on a daily basis and I'd love to even just help one of you, no one deserves to feel that kinda pain.

Self realisation is what I needed and still continue to need, you've got to realise why you're still here.. obviously I get it there's been times where you'd love to of just ended it and not be here but YOU'RE HERE. You're able to read this blog on a daily basis, you have a purpose in life.
You ARE great
You ARE worth it
You ARE loved.

Instead of focusing all your energy on shitty negative thoughts, put every last bit of energy you've got into thinking good, positive ones. Wake up every day and think to yourself, ''I may be feeling like utter dogshit right now but it's going to get better soon.''

I love you all boos.

Ox.

#30.

You'll end up real disappointed if you think people will do for you as you do for them, not everyone has the same heart. 

I'm abit naive when it comes to people, honestly I don't get people anymore, Even if you've known a person a couple of months, you still know what they're like, you've had that person at your house for days on end, you do some really nice shit for that person so you must obviously like that person.. yes? But when it comes down to it really, you don't. Not one bit and it's so freaking disappointing.
When someone has spoken shit about my boyfriend I defend him til sunset comes up, literally he isn't a shitty person AND PLUS he's my boyfriend and that's what you're supposed to do when someone talks shit about what's yours. BUT, here's the conundrum, like that quote says, people are fucking shitty when it comes to shit like this. they won't even say one little thing to stick up for you. How can you even try and say you love someone when someone talks shit about your girl, you just stand there like a wet fish? I've already said a couple of posts back that I respected his momma, blah blah blah. But what I don't respect and you can hate on me all you like but when you have a full on conversation with someone about how fucking shitty anxiety is and how shitty you feel within yourself, so that person knows you've felt so so so bad.. why would you allow a person to feel that way again whether you fully know them or not?

I don't get it how people can talk to you about how you're feeling yet when someone says they don't like you or they think your son's too good for that person or whatever else was said then you should of said I'm not a shitty person like you all made me out to be.

I'm not a shitty person, yet noone defended me. I WASN'T EVEN THERE AND ALL YOU BITCHES STILL SPOKE SHIT ABOUT ME.

I'm so disappointed in my judgement right now, and myself because I thought I made a bomb first impression with his family blah blah blah.

People are dickheads.

Proper blog coming soon.

Ox 

#29.

I can't begin to even try to explain how I'm feeling right now but it sucks.

''I sit here in tears wondering how long I can carry this load of loneliness on my shoulders; The weight of misunderstanding is breaking my back and I can no longer take the strain...Silence grips my throat as I choke on thoughts that could scare any man into a nightmare and there, have him begging for death's sweet release. These words have been my lifeline but the storms are becoming too strong to be calmed by sentences and I fear the waves will drown me once again. I can only hope my dreams will keep me afloat until I learn to swim against the tide.'' - Chishala Lishomwa.

You can be surrounded with a bunch of people and still feel so fucking lonely, think of loneliness like being dehydrated, if you're happy and you feel like you've got a great bunch of people around you then you're hydrated but if you feel so fucking lonely and that no one understands the shit you're going through, you're majorly dehydrated.
It's funny though, people always make sure you're okay and everything but they only want the short answer being ''yeah I'm fine'' when really you want to be like ''no, I'm fucking dying here in a pool of my own self worth, I hate who I am and I just want people to try and understand me instead of making judgement so no, I'm not fine. Not one bit''

I know I'm always trying to be positive and help people but it's just a really shitty time right now so I hope you can all understand..

Ox.

#28.

For me personally, there's certain people in my life that bring it out more than others. I'm quite happy just sat in my comfy's on Netflix with pizza, literally that is my ideal night, but the thing I'd practically like EVERY night to be like that. I hate going out, even if it's just for dinner or whatever. I hate it. There's some people I would go out for just because they'll never understand. Friends or even boyfriends won't get it.
Mine in particular doesn't, at all. It's funny, I always tell people I haaaaaaaate going out, and I'll still get invited to go to parties with people. STOP.

I hate always having to say 'No, I've told you time and time again I hate that shit. Stop' This shit isn't even recently, its probably Halloween time but still. It annoys me.

There's so many things that annoy me, and it's times like these now where I'm sat in bed feeling sorry for myself because I'm ill as fuck and it all just comes crashing down at once, so I apologise for the rant, especially if this shit doesn't make sense..7

I hate people that lie but they always seem to associate themselves with me, I hate people who break pinky promises because as petty as it is it actually means alot more to me than you'd imagine, I just hate really shitty people. People shouldn't be shitty to people they love, that's not cool.

Ox