thoughts..

For months which soon turned into years I was so consumed with my anxiety, I let it consume every inch of my being. Instead of being this fun loving person, I became this introverted person that could barely look at mirrors because I hated myself and everything around me.
I wouldn't reply to anyone if they'd messaged me, I didn't care about myself so why the f would I care about anyone else?

As I slowly pushed myself out of my comfort zone I felt more at ease within myself, I built myself up to the point where I'd wanna talk to other people, I'd want to look at myself because I knew I was the bomb.com...
I loved the idea of always going out with friends and meeting new people but it wasn't exactly my favourite thing to do, I was in a relationship with someone who in that sense was the complete opposite of me, he wanted to go out alot and do all that shit yet he never told me and it just bothered him.

It's been a while since it ended and ALOT has happened, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it or anything but I was literally broken, my absolute everything got taken away from me and I didn't know how I'd cope or be able to continue this blog. Yeah I was going to stop writing on my blog and just write in my journals instead, somehow I found my inner bad ass bitch and decided I'm better than that.
I didn't want to stop writing on here or anything but I had noone to ask if this was a good post or if I should add more to it like it was just me and I'm my biggest critic and that sucked.

I rushed into alot of things after it ended and it was extremely obvious, I had 101 emotions constantly going around and around in my head, I was hurt and angry and I was trying to feel how I did with him but just without him. For the first day, holy fuck I came back home so happy with literally the biggest smile on my face until it came to like 3am and I couldn't sleep, he was constantly in my head like whenever I thought about him and us I literally got choked by my own tears.

It took alot for me to be in the mindset I'm now in, it took every little bit of strength I have. Don't get me wrong I'm still hurting but it's manageable.

But what I realised going through all of that is that what we had was real, that's why it hurt. The problem with people is though that life is far too short, and to be quite honest I'd go through that pain all over again if I had real 100% love because it'd be completely worth it. People become too scared of the risk of it not working so they don't try it, whether it's someone in your life or something you're really fucking passionate about. Do it, because when you're alone and thinking you'll be left with what ifs and regrets.

Don't give up on the people or things you love.

WHAT DOES SUCCESSFUL MEAN TO YOU?

SUCCESSFUL

What does success mean to you?

You have a great career which you love? You're earning alota money doing something you love? 

Successful to me means being able to get up outta bed every day when all I wanna do is hide under my duvet and never come out. When the world keeps knocking you down and you get up and keep fighting for yourself. 

I've had so many opportunities to give up on myself and everything I love, and I'll be honest I was going to just give up on everything until I had this one voice in my head telling me 'Just keep going, you're better than this.' and I thought fuck this, I don't give up. 

Successful to me means being able to continue to smile when you feel like crying, to continue to help people even when you're struggling. There was a point in my life that I refused to go into high school, I wouldn't go out unless it was to the doctors or the hospital, I'd barely even leave my room so the progress I've made from that to now is incredible. 

For everyone that feels like they just wanna be successful, I genuinely wholeheartedly believe YOU ARE. To still be continuing to progress after life has thrown absolutely everything at you, that just shows you're so so much stronger than you believe. 

If you'd have asked me a month after I started writing this blog if I'd still be here writing almost a year later, I'd be like fuck no. Absolutely not. But just writing this blog helps me just as much a I hope it helps you, it feels so good to be able to write about the things that continually go round and round in my head. 

I always believed that I'd always be this person that was always analyzing everything about food, yet here I am a couple years later and I'm slowly becoming less bothered about what I eat. When I do have bad days I'll scrutinize myself and wish I looked completely different but one thing YOU always no matter have to remember is that YOU are special, no matter how shitty your day is or no matter how bad you're feeling you're fucking beautiful and if you look in the mirror and tell yourself this..

'I AM BEAUTIFUL/HANDSOME AF'

'I AM FUCKING EPIC'

'I AM GREAT, AND I'M MOST DEFINITELY WORTH IT'

Then slowly you'll start to believe it, like if you could speak to yourself when you were little would you say to that little girl or boy that they're fat, ugly, whatever? No...?

Then don't say it to yourself because you're hurting yourself more than you realise, once you get it into your head that you ARE the bomb then you'll feel it and I can promise you that everybody around you will notice a change on the outside too. 

--

talk to meeee!

my personal snapchat - livnizzzle

twitter - LiVNiZZZLE

email - livnizzzle@gmail.com

L xxx 

 

WHAT i'M THANKFUL FOR!

This is gonna be dedicated to whoever's mentioned so let's get started...

I'm thankful for MYSELF, I'm thankful that I didn't give up on me. I had so so many chances to just give up on myself and end it all but I kept fighting and I'm a warrior for doing so. There



were so many moments that I'd just barricade my door and genuinely just think, think

of the future, thinking how I'd end it all but there was this little voice of me and it felt like it was an older version of myself telling me it'll be okay in the end and I trusted myself.


I'm thankful for my MAMA, I'm thankful that when I couldn't fight or speak up for myself she was my voice. She's never ever given up on me and for that I'm grateful. I'm thankful that she never forced me back into school and she let me take everyday at a time. She continued to fight for me even when school tried making me go in, she took me to every single doctors appointment, counselling session and even when I had to go to hospital.. she was always there holding my hand.

I'm thankful for my brother's girlfriend, when it comes to my brother I'm protective obviously not to his face but he's my bestfriend. He always tells me how it is especially if I've made a crappy decision (which is alot of the time). But seriously, she puts up with him singing at the top of his lungs. It's bad because he thinks he sounds great.. he doesn't fyi. But if she puts up with him doing that then she must be great.

I'm thankful for my BESTFRIEND,  he cared and loved me when I didn't love myself. He taught me how it felt to be loved and love, for so long I'd felt like I was this broken fragile person and he made me realise I'm stronger than I give myself credit. He taught me how it felt to be truly loved, and he also taught me how it felt to be truly heartbroken. I didn't realise that sort of pain existed until it happened and it literally felt like my heart was broken, I couldn't function properly and it's a pain you can't even describe, you literally have to go through it to know what I'm talking about.
But he is my bestfriend and you don't give up on the people you love and I never gave up. Never will either. He was patient with me and made me open up, I was so shut off yet he made me open up to him with such ease and I doubt I'll feel that comfortable with another person but him.

There's two people that I'd just quickly like to mention too that I'm extremely thankful for my sister Jade aka buttface and Liam aka Mr J.

If you weren't mentioned it's because there's a ridiculous amount of people I'm thankful for. But know you're appreciated.

OH AND BEFORE I FORGET, I'M THANKFUL FOR THIS BLOG - I've met so many amazing people from writing about mental health, all the people I've spoken too on twitter, I appreciate you!

L x

untitled part 2.

I'm overwhelmed. It's almost my birthday and I've been thinking about the last couple of months. It's felt like for a while now I've just been numb to any emotions like I'm living but I'm not actually enjoying the moment.

I've felt like I'm in a daze state constantly, like I'll smile if everybody else is happy around me but it's a forced unhappy smile that leaves me in a state of whatever. How can I tell people I feel like this when I just don't understand, I can't seem to convince myself I'm happy or the shit I'm doing makes me happy.
Everything feels like one big mess and I don't know how to fix it, I don't know how to be happy and it really sucks.

These past couple of months have just seemed like a complete blur, it's almost my birthday and I was so fucking excited for it, I really was. I'm not saying I need love or friends or any of that bullshit because I don't, but I expected to have my bestfriend with me and I doubt that'll happen.

It sucks because I always find myself contemplating the worst shit imaginable, I don't fear alot of the shit I feared, I mean I'm still shit scared of the dark but I doubt that's gonna change anytime soon, but the things I should be afraid of, I'm not. I'm scared of the affects after.
How can I ever expect someone to understand me when I don't understand myself? My mind is a complete mess full of emotions, happy, sad, hurt, angry.

Someone told me that I'm really disengaged an all that bullshit, and they're probably right actually. I don't make the effort with people, why the fuck should I? All people have done is fuck me over, the one person I just wanted to love me, broke my heart, so why the fuck should I bother? I know that mentality is stupid and pathetic but really, my bestfriend left me, all my other friends fucked off an people don't even bother to get to know me before assuming why I'm like this.

All I want is for someone to understand me, like is that honestly too much to ask for?

I'll try and put more effort into posting and being more active on my blog.

L.

21st November 2016

It's currently half 3 in the morning, I've been tossing and turning for hours til I've just given up on the idea of sleeping for now anyway, I feel like I just have to get stuff off my chest so I'm sorry if half of this makes no sense whatsoever.

I have absolutely no motivation to do anything, for the past couple of days I literally haven't given a fuck - I hadn't been wearing make up so I went from doing my hair and make up every single day to just choosing to be in oversized tee's.

Last night I had possibly the worst nightmare I've had so far, and I'm gonna share it with you all..

So, I'm not sure who's house this was at or anything but I'd kept getting messages and calls from an unknown number, I wake up one day and I'm surrounded by needles.. kinda like that scene outta saw but there were so fucking many needles and for some reason I was barefoot and I was so scared of them touching me or actually getting into my blood.. I saw a man with this mask on but it looked so realistic and I was trying to fight my way outta this but at one point before I woke up I just gave up.
My phone eventually woke me up but I was so petrified.

I know I have so many people around me that love and care for me and I speak to alot of people that genuinely care for me but I'm so fucking lost, I'm so privileged to be able to blog and do what I love but I'm so fucking lonely man.
I've been thinking about my future and what I actually want to come from it, I spoke to someone about what I wanted for my future, I told someone my biggest regret, it's funny because in the long haul it probably woulda been really bad but in the moment it'd have been really fucking awesome.

I feel like such a fucking wetwipe right now, I keep so so much bullshit in so nobody else has to worry or think about my problems and then on nights like this it'll all just come out and hit me like a ton of bricks. I hate feeling this vulnerable yet I hate feeling this constant numbness that has become a daily feeling now.

I feel like I'm genuinely broken, I put on such a facade that the people I do talk too won't even notice and I'm grateful to myself because when someones asks 'how're you feeling? had a good day?' them type of questions, how am I supposed to respond? Do I say that I feel like absolute fucking shit and the days are just getting worse and it's becoming more of a struggle now? WHAT THE F DO I SAY?

I have this guy on snapchat and he said he'd like to see more of my smile because he liked it but I can't constantly fake these smiles like honestly, if any picture looked anything remotely to how I feel it's gotta be this one. I feel this constant sadness that I doubt anyone could ever understand.

I miss my bestfriend, that's getting notably worse too. It's like everyday it just gets worse and more and more of myself is missing. I'm like a jigsaw but none of the pieces fit together and it's all jumbled together but you still try an make it work. That's an accurate description of me.

Things suck

How I developed my eating disorder.. part 2

I isolated myself from the outside world, I'd spend most of my time drawing or watching Ru Paul's Drag Race {something I still do!} I'd try and stay off social media because I knew that was just going to make me feel worse so what really woulda been the point?

After staying in the comfort of my own house which felt like an eternity I'd felt like I was strong enough to try going to school again and me being the over confident tit that I am wanted to go straight into a lesson with actual people from my year group because I'd occasionally go to this building called the 3D centre which for the most part was okay but I was desperate to just get back into normalcy again so I decided to go into a lesson, and I hated it.

I wanted to just get straight back into being a normal teenager when I needed to build myself, build my confidence and sort of slowly beat my anxiety instead of it ruining me. I remember going into ONE lesson and I fucking hated it, I felt out of place and so uncomfortable that after the lesson was done I walked home. You're probably wondering why I didn't just leave it BUT I have severe anxiety so standing up and walking out in front of everybody wasn't exactly something I wanted to do, I woulda probably cried if I had.

Trying to look after anorexia made my anxiety worse and trying to look after my anxiety made my eating disorder so so much worse. So for my anxiety, I got put onto anti depressants and I felt like it made me put on weight so I became overly conscious about my weight which made that worse so I stopped taking my pills altogether. I figured I can look after myself without medication because come on, if I took the pills I'd probably develop anorexia again and be so so much worse off and at that moment I had everything I ever wanted so I wanted to exist and I wanted to have an amazing future..

Things have happened in these past few months and it did make my eating go down, you know when you get so upset that your throat just closes up and your heart literally feels like it's breaking? Yeah well that's what I felt constantly.. I wrote about this in a couple of my last posts too. But anyway, being so so fucking content with the way things are going then for it to suddenly be ripped away from you with no good reason fucking sucked. It broke me, and I'm slowly.. very slowly trying to figure shit out on my own now, and it's scary. It's been a couple months now yet I'm still trying to pick up the pieces that broke and I know eventually one day I'll be complete but for now I'm a working progress.

I wanted to write a post about this because it's something that I KNOW a lot of people suffer with, whether they have support from it or not. It's a tough thing to go through on your own but you ARE better than this, you may feel so fucking weak compared to it whether it's anxiety, depression, anorexia, bullying or anything else.. you ARE worth it, you DO have a reason to continue fighting and that reason is YOU baby. Keep doing you and whether people like it or not, fuck them. You're worth SO SO SO much more than you give yourself credit for..

Twitter - @LiVNiZZZLE
Instagram - livnizzzle_

Have a blessed day x

How I developed my eating disorder. part 1

For me.. it wasn't about losing weight or wanting to be thinner, I wanted to have control over something that nobody else could. When everything else was out of my control and I couldn't stop it from happening, I couldn't eat. It wasn't a choice to not eat though, I just physically couldn't force myself to take a bite out of something. Food really overwhelmed me to the point that even just the thought of eating made me want to cry, literally.

My relationship with food had never been like that before, I grew up with a ton of favourite foods and cakes. I never had any issues with food before late primary school and the beginning of high school so year 6 to year 7 and onwards. In primary school I always stuck up for myself so if someone said you look fat or you're ugly, I'd be like bitttcccchhhh shut up. Okay maybe I wouldn't say bitch but you get what I'm trying to say!!

This girl here > is me in year 7 I think, and I loved the way I looked, I was so confident in being me that I'd always just let it slide if someone said something dickish to me.
I had friends, I was eating like a normal young person should, life was fucking epic.
It was the same year alot of that changed for me, my friends started to slowly stop hanging round with me or wanting too anyway, there was this one girl that just took an instant dislike to me, don't ask me why. I still don't know. But anyway, she really didn't like it that some of the guys in her year were my mates so she'd pick on me for that. this lasted a long ass time and eventually them friends left me too.

Getting constantly ridiculed by this bitch just because she didn't like me was the most frustrating thing, I was in such a constant battle within myself though because part of me wanted to change just so she'd stop and part of me wanted to be sassy as hell and not let her bother me and the part of me that won was the other part of me that didn't want ANYBODY to know this was going on and I figured if I didn't retaliate and say something eventually she'd get bored and stop. Eventually she did but the damage was already done and that's really when my eating spiraled out of control.

I'd stop having dinner at school yet I'd still tell my mum I ate and then when it came to tea time I'd just say I wasn't hungry or I was just too tired to eat. I'd try, I'd try so goddamn hard that I'd just cry if I couldn't manage something. I'd prefer to eat in the bathroom or in my bedroom. Sitting on the bathroom floor has always felt like a safe place, I'd sit in there til someone knocked on the door needing to pee then I'd go straight back in afterwards, I always felt one with my thoughts and although my thoughts scare me, it's sometimes nice for them to be neatly going around in my head rather than a jumbled confused mess. And sometimes when I'd try to force myself to eat I'd be sick in like 0.4 seconds afterwards so it felt unnecessary to even try again after that.

I used to really care about how I looked yet after all of this happened I didn't care anymore, I wouldn't wanna get out of bed, I wouldn't wanna do my hair.. just the basic things people do I found the trickiest to do.

I'd go to meetings for my attendance at school and I would literally cry and be sick at just the thought of going there, I'd try and put it off so much but eventually I had to go there.. I hate seeming weak to people especially the people at school because half the time the meetings would be scheduled at a certain time and then after it'd be done it'd either be breaktime or lunchtime which meant leaving I saw some people that were in my year. I didn't want them to see me or know I was there, I wanted to be invisible to everybody like I just wanted people to forget I existed because ultimately that's all I wanted then. To not exist.


My parents were getting increasingly worried about my weight and so were the doctors, I'd see counselor after counselor and because I hated talking what was I supposed to do? Talk about the weather??? If I didn't talk about how I'm feeling to anybody close to me then why would I do it for a stranger?
I became a really shut off person, I still am kinda like that but I just wanted to be in my own company and never see people again.


This is only part 1 of this post otherwise it'd have been super long..

please share!!

L
xx