Being in love when you've got a mental illness is hard. Scrap that, it's fucking difficult and it tests you at any chance it gets even in long term relationships..
I can accept that I've got many flaws and insecurities which I've tried to work on, damn I've put myself in situations just so my boyfriend could tell people he's actually got a normal girlfriend but in doing that I lost myself. Its hard pretending to be something you aren't just so I don't look a total weirdo.
I hate it when people lie to me, like literally it gives me an anxiety attack. So that's why I don't form bonds or any type of friendship with people because two things I've learnt is you CANNOT trust everyone in this world. At all. Secondly, people lie. People ALWAYS fucking lie, even if its something stupid. They'll always find a reason to lie and I hate it.
It's scary how lost you can get in a person, is lost even the right word? Invested. It's scary how fucking invested in a person you get, you overlook so many things even shit you aren't happy about, you'll sacrifice your beliefs, your happiness.. everything just because you love everything about them even the shitty bits.
One of my favourite memory type things is, I'd seen that documentary on Netflix about Tyke the elephant and anyone that really knows I freaking love elephants and everything to do with them and after me and my bestfriend watched it I grabbed my little elephant sketch {which I obsessed about} and ripped it up to little tiny bits and we both sat on the floor and cried, alot actually but it made me sad because you saw her die and it just.. it hurt my heart but right at that moment he saw me vulnerable and he saw the through me always smiling but it scared me.
Love is supposed to be unconditional and I just get scared because when something fucks up.
It'll be back to me, myself and fucking I.
Just wonderful.
Ox.
