It's been an ongoing battle ever since I was little and I've always just wanted it to end, I mean I don't want my life to end or anything like that but I want to stop feeling like every day I have to weigh myself just so I know if I've put weight on or not.
I want to be happy with myself and feel good about doing the stuff I do like writing this blog, I love doing it don't get me wrong but I'd rather feel accomplished and happy about doing it than feeling like this isn't going anywhere.
I've got a boyfriend and I want him to be able to tell everyone and anyone that I'm his, I want him to be proud that I'm just his, I want him to want to show me off to all his family an all that shit, I just want him to be grateful and happy that I'm his..
Being in a relationship with him whilst I've got anxiety and my eating still isn't proper is actually so freaking difficult, I always wanted to hold everything in and not tell him anything because I was quite embarrassed of anyone knowing my feelings or any of this, mainly for the fact I don't want people to feel pity for me because it happens to so so so many young boys and girls, it's ridiculous. But when I did tell him about everything he didn't do anything I expected like I expected him to leave me because of it but he didn't, he tried to understand and he still tries now and I'm so grateful for that.
Being in a relationship whilst you suffer with mental illness is probably one of the hardest things to do, you never know if one day you'll wake up and feel the worst you've ever felt and there's nothing you can do except try and force yourself to get out of bed and get on with the day no matter how hard it is, but then you get the good days, the days were you could feel like you can conquer the world but it isn't always that easy..
There's 5 things I want people that don't have anxiety to understand:
- It isn't just a 'bad day'
- Don't say you know how I'm feeling because you occasionally get bad days, this is a constant thing 24/7
- Please don't say you have severe anxiety just because you get nervous over shit
- Don't tell me to get resilient because you don't get it
- Please please please don't tell me to just get over it, its 'normal' it isn't normal to have constant bad days, EVERY single day, it isn't normal to feel miserable every day of your life and it isn't normal to not want to be around people even if it's just 5 people in a room. Fuck that.
And finally, I created a twitter and instagram for this blog so if you'd like to follow, please do!
Email - livnizzzle@gmail.com
Twitter - @LiVNiZZZLE
Instagram - living_with_a_mental_illness
Thanks for reading loves,
Ox.
