I'm overwhelmed. It's almost my birthday and I've been thinking about the last couple of months. It's felt like for a while now I've just been numb to any emotions like I'm living but I'm not actually enjoying the moment.
I've felt like I'm in a daze state constantly, like I'll smile if everybody else is happy around me but it's a forced unhappy smile that leaves me in a state of whatever. How can I tell people I feel like this when I just don't understand, I can't seem to convince myself I'm happy or the shit I'm doing makes me happy.
Everything feels like one big mess and I don't know how to fix it, I don't know how to be happy and it really sucks.
These past couple of months have just seemed like a complete blur, it's almost my birthday and I was so fucking excited for it, I really was. I'm not saying I need love or friends or any of that bullshit because I don't, but I expected to have my bestfriend with me and I doubt that'll happen.
It sucks because I always find myself contemplating the worst shit imaginable, I don't fear alot of the shit I feared, I mean I'm still shit scared of the dark but I doubt that's gonna change anytime soon, but the things I should be afraid of, I'm not. I'm scared of the affects after.
How can I ever expect someone to understand me when I don't understand myself? My mind is a complete mess full of emotions, happy, sad, hurt, angry.
Someone told me that I'm really disengaged an all that bullshit, and they're probably right actually. I don't make the effort with people, why the fuck should I? All people have done is fuck me over, the one person I just wanted to love me, broke my heart, so why the fuck should I bother? I know that mentality is stupid and pathetic but really, my bestfriend left me, all my other friends fucked off an people don't even bother to get to know me before assuming why I'm like this.
All I want is for someone to understand me, like is that honestly too much to ask for?
I'll try and put more effort into posting and being more active on my blog.
L.
