.depression.

Dark. Alone. Numb.

For the past couple of weeks I've felt the worst I've ever felt. I'd make plans just to only cancel last minute, I make excuses to not leave my house unless it's absolutely necessary. 

I know I'm not alone yet that doesn't stop me from feeling like I am.

I've always been a person that HATES to be emotional yet I can't stop, I've felt like breaking down so so many times and I don't even know what's wrong with me. 

The problem is it feels as though nobody understands me, I can't just get out of this mood. I've tried but it feels suffocating and the more I try to get control of my emotions I become more and more exhausted so it's like a battle I'm slowly losing.

I have no motivation to do anything, I don't feel like going out, I don't feel like getting dressed. 

My emotions are all bellowing at each other inside my mind and I know there's no escape like I feel trapped and nothing and no one can help.

I still laugh and smile but it isn't a genuine one, it just makes people think I'm still hangin in there. 

Still holding onto whatever hope I still have. 

I know sometime it'll pass and my plans will start to come into affect but right now, it's hard to even get out of bed. 

I don't belong, I don't fit in and I feel more alone than ever. 

I can't explain the darkness that I'm feeling right now but I hope it goes away soon.

Holding back tears and keeping my emotions in is something I'm not immune too, it doesn't affect me like it used too. I feel lost really. There's no other way to explain it, it's as if everything I once knew isn't actually what happened and the people I've met, the memories I made aren't how I once pictured them to be. 

I once thought being in love with your best friend and just being with someone was the BEST thing in the entire universe but it isn't. The pain you feel when the person YOU thought of as your best friend leaves you, it's a fucking dreadful pain. 

It isn't the relationship that I miss so please whoever reads this don't get it twisted, I miss my best friend. I hadn't had a proper best friend living down in Norfolk ever, so when he came along I was literally so happy because he was literally me but a guy. I was at his almost every single week, I got on well with his mam and his sister and shit felt good for once.

Then it ended. But it didn't not in my head no, we still spoke every single day, I spent the weekend with him a month ago maybe so in my head he was always going to be there. I miss his mam, his sister and his dog but him not so much.

I lost one bestfriend and I gained two absolute angels, and you know they let me know when I'm being a dickhead and the other day I told them I was really struggling and even though we don't see eachother they tried there absolute best to make me try and see myself how they see me {obviously I don't but the fact they tried makes all the difference}.

I'm not entirely sure where I was going with this post but yeah, enjoy. 

L x

..why I write about mental health.

I never understood.

I always thought anxiety was just being a little nervous every now an again which I thought was totally normal. I thought depression was just being a little sad which I also assumed was perfectly normal (of course its normal but that isn't my point.)

I never understood when you'd read on the internet or in books that people could actually be suicidal.

I never realised how bad shit could get to make you feel like that until it happened to me.

I never wanted to have 'that' conversation you know, I never wanted anybody to know I wasn't okay. Not for the fact I was scared of what they'll think but because I knew if I started to speak about it it'd seem real. I didn't want that.

I wanted to keep plastering on this smile and pretending everything's okay. I wanted everybody to think I was happy and content with everything yet I wasn't. 

I didn't want anybody's opinion of me to change, I didn't want anybody thinking I'm weak or delicate. 

I wanted everybody to think I'm strong and I'm okay but really, I wasn't.

I wasn't okay, I was starving myself, I was constantly crying myself to sleep. 

I felt as if I didn't fit in anywhere, although I have a nice house and everything else I didn't feel at home. 

I felt lost. Alone. Misunderstood.

I became very secretive, I wouldn't want to talk about it, I still don't but I force myself too.

Talking is so so necessary because it elimates the stigma surrounding mental health, it's an uncomfortable topic for some people but it shouldn't be. 

Everyone talks about broken bones or having the flu or just general physical health yet so many people shy away from talking about mental health.

It's seen as a very taboo subject but it shouldn't be. It should be a welcomed conversation, people need to know that if they try and reach out to friends, family etc they won't be laughed at or belittled about it. 

People don't realise the effect words can have on you especially when you're vulnerable and in need of help. 

I created this blog to not only help people suffering but to help people understand. even now after so long of writing this blog people just assume being anxious means your worried. However it isn't, anxiety is literally crippling, it's constantly second guessing yourself, it's feeling alone in a room full of people and so so many other things.

For me personally, anxiety is internally screaming 'YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!!!!!!' and externally just plastering a smile on my face to get shit over and done with. It's spending the day feeling anxious as fuck yet not saying anything til you're alone in your bedroom and it feels like there's still a million and one things still going round your head. 

'why did I say that?'

'will they think differently of me?'

'did I look ok today?'

'could they tell I weren't okay?'

I know alot of people that try and one up you after you say you've had a fucking dreadful day and you just need to vent so when a friend, a colleague or family members come up to you and just wanna vent. Try to just listen, take in what they're saying and don't even try give them a helpful resolution, just listen.

Let them know you're there and I can guarantee you they'll start to realise how strong they are and you'll be helping them more than you realise.

"Don't let your mind bully your body into believing it must carry the burden of its worries."

L x 

...anxiety is a b!tch.

This post is more about just getting all my feelings out there so if anybody can relate or whatever then good but if not don't worry - my posts will be back to normal soon.

For so long I've felt on top of my anxiety, like I'm not even sure what has changed but recently it's felt like sometimes it's on top of me like this angry little demon that noone else can see but it's there. 

It's like noone else can physically see it controlling you but you and it starts to surround you in this pure fucking darkness that seems to just last forever. 

Anxiety.

It doesn't ever show externally but internally I'm freaking out alot. So many things have happened you know, so many friends have turned out to be complete arseholes, someone I loved turned out to not be who I thought he was.

 Anxiety is deafeningly lonely. I push people away, the amount of times I've bailed on people to meet purely for the fact I've been too anxious to even step out my house. 

Sometimes I want to feel in control because alot of the time anxiety takes away that control of my mind and my emotions for me so if there's anything I can control it's my eating. I get quite sad sometimes because anorexia took alot of things away from me. It took away my love for myself, it made my relationship with food awful and unhealthy, it made my relationships with people fucking dreadful as well. 

I couldn't go be free from it and therefore I was trapped. 

I'm happy don't get me wrong but there's so many things I wish I could change or make a little easier, anxiety never used to be really really bad in busy places but I'll be honest the other day I'd gone out with someone and my legs just wouldn't take me any further and I feel embarrassed at the fact that I wish I could do things that everyone else seems to think is so simple yet it's like climbing Mount Everest for me. I hate it. 

Anxiety fucking sucks, people that glamorize and romanticize mental illnesses don't have the first idea what living with anxiety, depression, eating disorders and any other mental illnesses are like. 

It's hell.

But one thing you HAVE to remember is..

You ARE worth it,

You ARE better than how you're feeling,

You ARE important,

Nobody deserves to feel this trapped in themselves but reaching out, asking for help, properly looking after yourself can make the whole difference.

L x

...rumours..

Rumours. 

"Let them judge you.

Let them misunderstand you,

Let them gossip about you,

Their opinions aren't your problem,

You stay kind, committed to love,

and free in your authenticity.

No matter what they do or say 

don't you dare doubt your worth

or the beauty of your truth.

Just keep on shining like you do."

I'm writing this particular post because a couple of days ago I got told something about myself that I knew wholeheartedly wasn't true. The person that had said the things about me I had a physical attraction too and even if he had said he wasn't into me I was quite happy to just be friends however..

Instead he chose to talk about me in a vulgar and obnoxious way to his friends at work. The problem was, if someone at his work hadn't of told me about the things he'd said I'd still be thinking we were cool an were still friends.

I felt betrayed because I genuinely thought we were mates, I still don't see what he got out of even saying the things he did but I'm glad his true colours came out sooner rather than later. So that's atleast a positive from all of this.

Rumours can literally ruin a persons life and the worst thing is the person starting the rumour has absolutely no care and decency for the victim of the rumour. One of my good friends Jamal knows this far too well. He had an absolutely awful rumour started about him that literally cost him his education, it lead him to drop out of college and he went from being a bubbly outgoing person to an introvert that wouldn't leave his bedroom unless he had to go to work. 

At the start of 13 reasons why, there was a rumour about Hannah Baker one of the lead characters in it in which this guy and his friends had told everyone they'd had sex etc. That contributed to her then feeling suicidal. I'm not saying rumours can be the main cause of people committing suicide however it can be a contributing factor to it 

If people stopped being so shitty to one another then there wouldn't be so so many people feeling suicidal in this dark and gloomy world. 

The aim of this post was to make people realise that words no matter how insignificant you feel them to be can have a major impact on the person you're spreading these rumours about, whether you say you've had sex with this person or you say this persons been beating you, and before anybody says anything both of them statements are extremely significant things to lie about. You could easily ruin somebody's life in the space of 5 minutes by telling others it's true and it'll go on like Chinese whispers.

Moral of the story - don't be a dick.

L x

..TO my body..

On this blog I have done several 'letters to' people in my life, young liv and I never ever thought about writing one to my body but the biggest apology letter has to be done for it so enjoy and there will be more consistent posts coming up soon!

Dear MY body..

I gave up on you. 

I made you weak.

I made you sick and constantly tired.

I wanted control. 

I couldn't control who liked me or who didn't, I couldn't control what happened at School.

I always thought of myself as a really mentally strong and physically strong person, I still believe I am mentally strong however.. I just wanted to give up. 

I had never believed that I'd ever just get to a point where I'd gave up on myself but I'd gotten to a point where I could feel I was, slowly..

My once soft skin became pierced by my protruding collar bones,

My eyes once full of light and colour became sunken in and exhausted, 

My hair once thick and luxurious became weak, frail and slowly fell out.

My once bubbly happy personality turned into this dark place, 

I used to bite my nails til they bled but I felt no pain,

I became introverted and absolutely hated going out, 

I covered you in baggy clothing so nobody could see how unhealthy I'd made you, 

but the truth is..

You were slowly giving up, you became weaker and food became an enemy. 

And after everything I put you through, you didn't give up on me, you made me stronger and didn't let me give up. We take our bodies for granted every single day, but mine didn't give up on me which made me realise I can't give up on it and neither can you. 

Eating disorders can break you, they can make you feel like you're nothing without it but the truth is you are. You're EVERYTHING without it. 

We tend to feel scared over the thought of recovery and believe me I was absolutely terrified of what was to come. I realised that recovery was actually so much harder than anorexia itself, the fight isn't only physical but it's mentally as well. Try being so scared of your own thoughts, you can't escape them but YOU want too. You want to feel free of hating yourself, you want to get better this time.

I had to be strong mentally to be able to properly look after myself and ever since then I made it my mission to look after myself, put my needs first and sometimes I really look after myself so I don't start slippin back into old habits. 

My body never gave up on me, it almost started too but I fought back. It never stopped trying to let me know I was starving, it never stopped hurting and it kept letting me know it needed help. I got the help, I learnt to love myself.

I love the stretchmarks that cover my thighs, 

I love the way I have identical freckles on the inner corner of my eyes, 

I love the way my face looks as soon as I've woken up, 

I love my red crimson colour when it's curly and out of place,

And most of all I love how my body looks. 

 I've became confident, full of life and most importantly I've become grateful. 

Grateful that in my struggle I kept fighting, no matter how many tears I shred, no matter how many nights I'd cry myself to sleep wishing I'd die.

I fought in the most brutal battle a young woman could fight, I fought the battle within myself and I've come out so much stronger. 

I always preach about not giving up but honestly, I mean it. YOU all deserve the absolute world and I know how tough and hard it can be the fight battles in your own head but you will, and you'll continue fighting til you beat it. 

You're so important and you're worth it. 

Never ever ever give up on yourself.

L x

...changing mindset..

I drunk called someone one night and although we were both pretty drunk he helped change my mindset and I'd like to share it with you all now..

Losing people IS okay. If they were that big a part of my life then they wouldn't have just upped an left, it would have been worked out and sorted instead it was overly complicated so I actually left. 

Leaving relationships of any sort if they are toxic and you aren't getting anything from them as in stability, love, friendship etc, if you aren't gaining anything from it in a positive way then please don't carry it on because I can absolutely promise you that at the end of the day you could be so in love with someone, besotted even and when you two argue you could be crying your heart out and they could just be absolutely fine. 

Don't allow someone to treat you so poorly because you're afraid of them leaving, if they have no respect for you as a human being then don't spend your time waiting foe them to change because I can guarantee you they won't. As awful as it sounds, if they wanted to change and if they actually truly cared about you, they wouldn't let you spend so much of your time thinking what you've done wrong everytime they ignore you or they wouldn't let you go to sleep crying your eyes out. 

If someone truly cared, it would absolutely kill them to see you in pain, to see you hurting especially over them.

My bestfriend J, he's god how can I write about this guy without it being an essay? 

I've told him so many times ''I'm done'' I've expected him to just drop me and not speak to me again but the thing is, people that genuinely care won't give up on you. 

No matter how many times you tell them too, they just won't. 

I'm genuinely so privileged to have him in my life because honestly if I hadn't of drunk called him so many times and cried about the same thing over and over and over again, my feelings right now would be completely different. 

He let me see an outsiders perspective and it turned out that the thing I thought I was waiting for wasn't even worth it anymore. 

He let me realise that yeah there's so many things I wish I hadn't done and if I'd have listened instead of being so stubborn then maybe shit woulda been different and I wouldn't have spent so long crying about shit I cannot change but I'm happy, so goddamn happy and life is really really good right now.

If something causes you so much pain and heartache and the other person is completely okay with that, then please. For your own sake, drop that person and block them on all social media etc because you all deserve someone that thinks of you as the bestest thing in the world, who's world you actually are and for someone to treat another human being so poorly is an absolute disgrace. 

Never ever settle for less, if someone hurts you to the point of it physically hurts and it ruins your mental health. BIN THEM. As harsh as it sounds, you always have to look after yourself as well as others, because you're important even when nobody has told you this. You're so goddamn important and you deserve the entire world. 

You may not be getting the world right now but I can promise you whoever's reading this and they can relate whether it's alot or just a little bit, someone will come into your life and show you that you're the most important person on this entire planet and you deserve the world. You've not been treated well by others yet you've still got a fucking heart of gold and that just shows how much of a little sweetheart you are. 

Always take the time out to know how to love yourself before you even try to love another person because how on earth can you love another if you don't love yourself? The love you show yourself is a guideline for how others should love you and I can tell you from experience that if you treat yourself poorly, others will treat you the same. Yet if you love yourself and let the whole goddamn world know you love yourself not as a narcissist but as a person should, then others will vibe to your energy and you'll realise that once you let go of the negativity you have towards yourself and others, you'll be welcomed with love and positivity from all that comes your way. 

ALWAYS show yourself the love you show others, you're worth it. 

L x

..another chapter.

 Hey.. 

Sorry I've been so inactive in posting, I've had some stuff going on that I needed to clear my brain from everything and think of what I really wanted and I think it's time I posted. 

So many people have come and gone outta my life these past few weeks and usually it would upset me and I'd be crying for days and days.. BUT, at this point in my life I'm okay with people leaving. 

My bestfriend left me again and although it fucking sucks, I'm okay with it. 

I'm okay with it because when me and him stopped speaking the first time time a couple of months ago I met so many new people, like I now speak to this cool northerner who makes me laugh so much, I have met some truly wonderful people and for that I'm grateful.

This new chapter has already made ALOT of changes for me and change used to really fucking scare me but I'm feeling positive about all that's gonna happen.

There's been so so many times where I've felt like I shouldn't say something in fear that someone will leave or I'll appear too forward etc, but the thing is now.. I'm not afraid of speaking my mind because let's face it, nothing is ever promised so you've got to take risks.

If you like that person, YOU tell them you like them. You have nothing to lose but who knows, you could have so so much more to gain which could eventually help you further!

Never ever be afraid of saying how you feel, because one thing I've realised is that if you don't ask questions some people try to pussyfoot around with answering then you'll get stuck in this cycle of never knowing how someone truly feels about you and noone should go to bed every night not knowing someone they love cares about them too.

Self love is so important to creating a new chapter for yourself, you can't even try to love anybody else if you don't love yourself first. No matter what type of relationships you in, YOU should come first. If someone is treating you badly, don;t stand for that shit. If someone is just toying with your emotions, DO NOT stand for that shit. 

You are SO much better than you give yourself credit for and if you do not treat yourself how you treat others then that is like a guideline for how others treat you, so if you treat yourself badly then you'll get fucked over. If you do not stand for shit then you'll soon learn who sticks around. 

ThankYOU so much for reading. 

L x