- weight issues -

HEY!!! Hope you're all good and healthy and ready for another post.. 

let's get to it.

Ever since I developed the relationship I now have with my weight, it's been a constant rollercoaster of ups and downs. Don't get me wrong I'm not 100% recovered and there's obviously so so many chances I could fuck it all up and get back to my old eating habits and get ill again I know that it's always gonna be there no matter how long I've been in recovery for, the road to get ill again is still gonna be just round the corner. 

My eating doesn't reflect on what mood I'm in so much now but if I'm having a bad day I'll barely eat, I get this HUGE like weight on my chest and my throat closes up. 

I am always on my guard with eating because I don't want to be back in that place, it's probably one of my biggest fears. Getting sick again, honestly I've worked so goddamn hard to be in the position I am in right now. I know how easy it is to fall back into old patterns and it's happened before, I've slipped up so many times that I don't believe I'd make it this time. 

The other day I did something I never ever thought I'd have the confidence to do, and that's put on a bikini AND wear it with no cover ups at the beach. I honestly felt like any issues I've had with my body before just left, I was probably the most confident I've ever felt. 

I guess there's just something so fucking freeing to drop all your insecurities and put them to the back of your head and just love yourself, whether it's for a day or a couple hours or a week, It is so freeing to not look in the mirror and wish you could change almost everything about yourself, wishing you looked differently, etc. 

I always preach about loving yourself and loving your body but I'm only human and I can't be 100% all of the time, but I can try, and tr and build on it every single time. 

I've spoken about love in several older posts and loving yourself and loving someone else come hand in hand, if you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? 

Stop comparing yourself to others and love who YOU are, 

I love my red crimson hair, 

I love my beauty marks, 

I love my stretch marks..

Hope you've all had a wonderful day/night wherever you may be, 

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L x

CLOSURE.

Thankyou. 

Thankyou so goddamn much. 

If you didn't see yesterday or today one of my very old friends commented on one of my darker posts (suicide - part 2).

In that comment he wrote everything that when I was going through some pretty rough stages of my illness I needed to hear, I needed to know really. 

I needed to know that someone was actually sorry for not realising what was going on, I needed to know that someone was actually taking accountability and responsibility even though they wasn't to blame.

Just reading that one word 'sorry' it takes away years of feeling like I'm not worth it, it takes away all the months I spent in my room crying myself to sleep wishing someone would just come and take this pain away. I went through absolute agony mentally and physically, I put my body through hell and back because I thought I wasn't good enough, I constantly told myself I wasn't good enough, I wasn't worth it and I should just end my life then. 

'Sorry' is just a word yes, but its a word that has me in tears right now, it's something I've longed to hear and now I have it's like a fresh start for me. 

I've held onto the past for so long, still feeling pain and still putting myself through this mental torture and now I feel personally that I can start living for me again. I can stop holding onto the past. 

It's been a long ass time since the beginning of my journey of bullying, anxiety, depression and anorexia yet anxiety and my eating is STILL a huge part of my life. It still affects me now, I've got a post currently about to be posted about antidepressants so please look out for that as well.

I feel like this weight has been massively lifted off my chest now and honestly, I'm so thankful. I'm so thankful S because if you hadn't wrote that comment I'd still be holding onto some form of resentment and that's not healthy at all. 

I've finally got what I've longed for, closure.

ThankYOU.

L x 

What is PTSD?

When my sister asked me if I would do a post for her blog I was adamant I wouldn't, I wasn't ready to open myself up and allow myself to be vulnerable, but I realised that's what my sister does every single day. With every blog post she writes she's showing more bravery than I could even wish to have. So here it goes.. If this post even helps one person who is also living with PTSD or any other mental illness, then it will be worth it. 

PTSD is a whole body tragedy, an integral human event of enormous proportions with massive repercussions. 

Even in times of trauma we try to maintain a sense of normality until we no longer can.. that is called surviving.

All mental illnesses are debilitating, they make you feel anxious and on edge and you constantly worry and overthink about something bad happening but with PTSD, the bad thing has already happened and every single day you are learning to live with the memory of that. 

I've never really spoken in depth about my struggles with PTSD. Not because I'm embarrassed or ashamed but because I've learnt that not everybody deserves to know everything about me. 

Until I was diagnosed with PTSD I thought only soldiers could get it and I think many people still do think that. 

The lifetime prevalence of PTSD for women who have been sexually assaulted is 50%. Sexual assault is the most frequent cause of PTSD in women, with one study reporting that 94% of women experienced PTSD symptoms during the first two weeks after an assault. 

1 in 2 people experience trauma at some point in their life. Around 20% of those people can go on to develop PTSD. 

Jade xox