///

you are 

the reason

i check my phone in the morning 

your words flow through me 

like blood through my veins 

all the words you say

float above your head like clouds 

in the sky 

as sincere as your words seem

there is always that

''what if''

''what if'''

 this isnt real

this isnt real

this isnt real

your smile aches my already

broken heart

broken mind

broken soul

you say you cannot help the stuff you do

but i cant help being broken

im an old soul thats been

battered and bruised 

the ego that you carry around 

is heavier than you love 

you say you have for me

i stay awake for hours 

hoping youll say the words 

i long to hear 

i long to see the fight you have

for your friends

the loyalty

the respect

i long to be the person that you 

cant go a day without talking to

i long to see the fight in you

when i say im done

i want you to pick all the pieces 

of me back up and 

put them all back 

together again

living with anxiety is 

like living permanently in a 

well

you cant get out 

no one can hear you

youre trapped

alone

even when people look down at this well

all they see is the shadows of the 

curves of your body

living with depression

a permanent look into the 

abyss

a black hole

that just sucks

you in

inescapable 

the fight you once had 

suddenly evaporates 

and then

its gone

- dating with anxiety -

Dating with anxiety is like living with a tonne of bricks permanently strapped on your back. 

Constantly having to put this huge guard up when in your head you truly like that person but no matter what they do and say to convince you they're genuine you still have that horrible gut feeling like you're just waiting for it all go wrong so you can finally get to say 'I told you so.' 

However, after literally losing the one person I thought I'd never lose.. I decided it's time to truly love myself before I even try to love anybody else and I do, I have way way more confidence than I did.

I used to be my own worst enemy but I realised noone can help me other than myself, noone can better me other than me so for as long as I can remember I made it my little mission to better myself for the next guy that'll come into my life and ACTUALLY stay.
I guess I've always had that fear of people that I love leave me because you can't ever make a person stay, they'll stay if you want and they'll leave if they want.

Writing a blog about mental health is a really vulnerable thing to do, it's literally putting yourself out there and hoping either people will relate or not be massive arseholes, and meeting new people whilst I've got this blog is scary as fuck. They'll read it and suddenly judge whether my crazy ass deserves to stay in their life or not. I never talk about my feelings with people I know face to face, I always put this brave face one but I'll always fight for what I want until shit doesn't seem worth it anymore.
Sometimes the fighter just wants to be fought for.

You know, falling in love absolutely scares me. When it's even close to happening I guess I just freak out internally like I don't mean too but I used to have this idea of what 'love' was and how it felt but it weren't love, it was more lust I guess. I 'loved' a guy more than he deserved, at that point I didn't know my worth, he was my bestfriend I'm not even going to try and deny that but there's so many moments in that relationship where I look back now and think 'why didn't I leave?', let me just reiterate he wasn't a bad person but that relationship was full of a massive lack of trust, alot of insecurities and we argued alot.

Bad days come and go and not all bad days can I even face to get out of bed and pretend to be happy because I can't keep pretending shit is perfect when it so clearly isn't but let me tell you all about the good days, they're full of so much love and happiness and when I'm having a super good day I'll practically be the most affectionate I'll ever be.
You should know though that I can't just turn my anxiety and depression off and sometimes I get massively triggered over the littlest of things, so just bare with me I guess.

Dating with anxiety is hard, an absolute struggle because not alot of people understand anxiety which adds to the already there stigma surrounding mental health.

Don't give up on finding the one because sometimes it's the person you never expect.
Never settle for any less than you deserve because you ALL deserve the absolute world.

L x

rambling thoughts..

anxiety. is. an. absolute. selfish. bitch.

anxiety itself is like being in a relationship with an abusive partner, it makes you feel insecure, paranoid, and most importantly it makes you feel fear at the thought of slowly getting better. 

i used to be massively self conscious, i guess i still am in a way but i'm alot more chill about myself than i used to be.

suffering with anxiety and depression is like being trapped in a room and all the walls are getting closer and closer and closer until it feels like there's no escape, no way out of this. 

but when you do have those good days which on occasion they do happen, it feels like the chain that's been wrapped around your heart so tightly is slowly getting looser and it feels like the shit you were once petrified of aka relationships - they don't seem so bad. 

nowadays, relationships don't scare me as much as they did but it's more of the being in a relationship, and then one day someone waking up and just deciding they don't want you anymore. i guess that's the only proper fear that i'm feeling regarding it.

i'm the type of person that can be in the car singing bon jovi at the top of my lungs and then all of a sudden my mood just changes and it feels sombre and i need to be in relationships with people aka intimate or friendships with people who understand me in that sense. 

most importantly though, i want people to realise that yes i may have anxiety and depression quite severe but it isn't who i am. 

i absolutely love the beach, whether its sunny or raining. i love exploring with my two bestfriends who honestly i don't even know how they put up with me and i love vibin with like minded people.

i'm not some crazy person (well maybe a lil bit crazy), mental health issues don't define me as a person, we all create our own paths in this world and honestly, me suffering so much with mental health issues has probably made me alot more understanding towards people and i wouldn't change it if i could. 

Stay true to who you are,

L x