Dating with anxiety is like living with a tonne of bricks permanently strapped on your back.
Constantly having to put this huge guard up when in your head you truly like that person but no matter what they do and say to convince you they're genuine you still have that horrible gut feeling like you're just waiting for it all go wrong so you can finally get to say 'I told you so.'
However, after literally losing the one person I thought I'd never lose.. I decided it's time to truly love myself before I even try to love anybody else and I do, I have way way more confidence than I did.I used to be my own worst enemy but I realised noone can help me other than myself, noone can better me other than me so for as long as I can remember I made it my little mission to better myself for the next guy that'll come into my life and ACTUALLY stay.
I guess I've always had that fear of people that I love leave me because you can't ever make a person stay, they'll stay if you want and they'll leave if they want.
Writing a blog about mental health is a really vulnerable thing to do, it's literally putting yourself out there and hoping either people will relate or not be massive arseholes, and meeting new people whilst I've got this blog is scary as fuck. They'll read it and suddenly judge whether my crazy ass deserves to stay in their life or not. I never talk about my feelings with people I know face to face, I always put this brave face one but I'll always fight for what I want until shit doesn't seem worth it anymore.
Sometimes the fighter just wants to be fought for.
You know, falling in love absolutely scares me. When it's even close to happening I guess I just freak out internally like I don't mean too but I used to have this idea of what 'love' was and how it felt but it weren't love, it was more lust I guess. I 'loved' a guy more than he deserved, at that point I didn't know my worth, he was my bestfriend I'm not even going to try and deny that but there's so many moments in that relationship where I look back now and think 'why didn't I leave?', let me just reiterate he wasn't a bad person but that relationship was full of a massive lack of trust, alot of insecurities and we argued alot.
Bad days come and go and not all bad days can I even face to get out of bed and pretend to be happy because I can't keep pretending shit is perfect when it so clearly isn't but let me tell you all about the good days, they're full of so much love and happiness and when I'm having a super good day I'll practically be the most affectionate I'll ever be.
You should know though that I can't just turn my anxiety and depression off and sometimes I get massively triggered over the littlest of things, so just bare with me I guess.
Don't give up on finding the one because sometimes it's the person you never expect.
Never settle for any less than you deserve because you ALL deserve the absolute world.
