hi.

Hey you guys.
This post isn't gonna be about a certain topic, I'm just gonna write how I'm feeling right now so please bear with me.

I just opened up my folder with all my blog related stuff in there and I clicked on my blog and I hadn't checked it in a long ass time and the night I do cos it's now coming up to 2am - I just hit 11 fucking thousand views. 11 thousand.
Not once did I ever imagine I'd get to 100 views let alone 11 thousand, I always get choked up writing posts thanking all you guys for how many views you've all given this because this became my crutch, whenever I felt like I needed to vent or that I wanted to cry, I'd just write my heart out til it felt a little easier.

I've written my daily struggles, I've write about the happy times and the times I just want to forget and I hope by me writing about my struggles and my achievements, you can all benefit from them.
This journey hasn't been perfect and I've made so many mistakes along the way but YOU the person who's reading this should know that the mistakes and the downfalls I've faced are just obstacles that made me alot stronger. There's so many things I wish I did differently and there's moments where I regret reacting the way I did to stuff but that just shows I'm only human. I'm not perfect, far from it actually but what I'm trying to get at is journeys even similar to mine are never just gonna work out peacefully. It's rough, it's a daily challenge but it's proven to be very much worth it.

I've struggled more in writing about my struggles than the actual struggles itself mainly because of the fact that I had to remember everything that's happened and be okay with the world knowing about it. Writing about me getting ill and getting bullied hasn't been the easiest thing to write about because there's things that I hadn't told even my family and then they've read it through my blog so that was abit of a challenge but it got easier and putting myself out there on social media with this blog t's definitely been an experience.
I've had another mental health advocate tell me I'm fucked up just because they didn't get what I'd tweeted, I've spoke to some truly wonderful people too.

I no longer fear my anxiety, it used to become the one thing that scared me the most because I didn't know how to deal with it but as I learnt what works for me and what doesn't it became easier but every now and again it'll still challenge the fuck outta me and that's okay.
I fear myself and my actions over everything else because I know when I have bad days or I see something I don't like I'll react in a super negative way and that's not always okay. I'm the first person to admit when I've fucked up but I don't always tend to agree with other people's actions because people suck.

ThankYOU for being part of this journey with me and I hope you've enjoyed what you've read so far.

Have a nice day.

social media -
twitter - LiVNiZZZLE
email - livnizzzle@gmail.com
instagram - livnizzzle_

xx

LOOK AT THE BiGGER PiCTURE.

Hey guys and I'm back, I hope you've all had a wonderful couple of days and I'll be posting more frequently now, enjoy//.

There's so much suffering in the world, there's people dying because of the colour of their skin, there's innocent children getting murdered every single day because they're vulnerable children. There's wars and violence, there's pain and suffering. All of which is unnecessary.

When I was younger I always thought I'd be a professional golfer or I'd somehow be that profession when I was older and I really believed in myself about it. I knew I was good at it and I was far too stubborn to just give it up or that's what I'd thought anyway. Now I'm getting older and I've stopped doing golf, I work out but I don't get to feel that same excitement I got when I played.
I've not felt that same excitement in a while actually, I feel it when this blog gets bigger and bigger because I never expected it to be like this.

I'm a strong believer of fate. If I meet a new person or something bad happens I'll believe that fate made something bad happen so I could learn from it and then good things happen afterwards. So, I'm gonna put all my faith into fate and hope my plans work out.

Now alot of my posts have been fairly negative recently because I've been stuck in the same negative mindset, although I'm not as quick tempered, I'm so easily irritable like if somebody says something that's literally just dumb it'll annoy me for the rest of the day. But yesterday morning I went for a run with my dog Ronnie and my brain had been kinda preoccupied all day and it genuinely made me happy.

"A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they'd be asked the ''half empty or half full'' question. Instead, with a smile on her face she inquired, ''How heavy is this glass of water?'' The answers called out ranged from 8oz to 20 oz. She replied, ''The absolute weight doesn't matte. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, i's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.'' She continued, ''The stress and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them for a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed - incapable of doing anything.'' 

Always remember to put the glass DOWN.

The longer you hold onto the things that ALWAYS bring you down, the longer you'll feel numb to the pain of it. The longer YOU'RE the one suffering because it keeps going over and over and over again in your head because you're tryna think of the why? how? where? what? and baby you can't do that. 

Fate has everything planned so if you fuck up, get back up and try again and if you fuck up again then keep doing it until something gives. 

If we all change our outlook on life then our mndset to the bad things around us will change too. Let's bin all the bullshit that's going on and start again. 

Welcome to MY blog and I hope you feel better soon. 

talk to me!!

twitter - LiVNiZZZLE

email - livnizzzle@gmail.com

instagram - livnizzzle_

xxxx

52.

When I first got diagnosed with anxiety and anorexia, I had no idea how much of an impact they'd have on my life. I knew what they both were but I didn't realise how bad they could get, being an 11 year old that suffered with this I didn't want to tell any of my friends for how they'd react and I was scared of what people would think.

Of course I'm an adult now and it still scares me to know if people have found out I've got anxiety or depression. Mainly for the fact that I don't want pity or anybody's sympathy, I don't want anybody to just think 'oh its because of her anxiety' or any of that shit. I just want to be treated normally.
I've wrote this blog for 8 months so far and as I've shared my blog more and more people that I know have started to read it and I didn't want anybody to know any of this at the start of my journey writing. I was scared how people would react or if they'd treat me differently and it's quite amazing really, I shared the post 'Let it go' on my own Facebook and the response I got from so many people was incredible. I had people that I'd barely even said hi too saying that they were proud of how strong I was and that I'm a great person and truly it felt great.

I feel like people now have a greater understanding as to why I do the stuff I do and all I ever wanted was to be understood. I always feel scared about sharing a post whether it's about anorexia or bullying or anything else that contributed to how am I now. Most of the posts can get real personal and it was a big part of my life that should never ever be taken for granted because as quick as I got ill I could be right back there again.

I never thought I'd have a future - I thought I'd barely make it to get better and start eating, I wanted to die so I hadn't even planned my future or planned it with anyone. But now, all I need to feel better is a plan, a plan of what I want in the future, and that feels fucking great.
I feel lonely alot of the time and I get sad but what really motivates me is my future..

DEDiCATiONS!

This blog is dedicated to YOU - those that read it whether you can relate to how I'm feeling or you have a good understanding of it, whether you read it for support or to feel like you aren't alone.

I'm going to be honest, when I first started writing not everybody was happy about it. Purely because I'm such a private person so there's been times where I've wrote and made public a post about certain types of feelings that nobody knew I felt. I'm not much of a talker so you see my problem? Nobody thought it would go anywhere but I knew somehow this would work, I believed and still believe in this blog.
When I first started writing I had made it quite anonymous so only my name was on show because I was actually scared. Scared of the reaction I'd get by writing this but after a while when I first hit 100 views, I was no longer scared. I was no longer in fear of what people thought or said about this because I know that someone somewhere was benefiting from me writing and that pushed me to write EVERY SINGLE DAY and that's what I did every day for a couple months.

But if you post your feelings every day it gets to be draining and I felt exhausted, I kept doing it and I had little breaks from it too just so I could have atleast 3 days to myself to gather my thoughts again. I didn't want to share it with my family or my boyfriend either, I literally just wanted this to be my ''thing'' but if I'm writing and he's near me or if we're talking I need to just vent or ask his opinion on it. He's been there from this blog being just another thought to this having nearly 11 thousand views and I hope to God he'll be there for so much more. I've done a couple posts about having anxiety and depression whilst being in a relationship and it's tough, it definitely puts a bigger strain on things but he's my future or

when I think of home I think of two things - my childhood and him.

Writing this has made things alot easier though, I don't need to talk anymore unless it;s super necessary, it's helped my brother because he's always been someone that isn't the easiest person to speak too or anything like that but I feel like although he never tells me he reads it it's helped him understand what my anxiety is about. The amount of arguments we'd have when he'd tell me to stop being sensitive when he's said something dickish, it's just made things so much easier and for that I'm grateful.


ThankYOU all for being on this journey with me and I hope you've all liked what I've posted thus far. I LOVE each and every one of you :)

contact meeee -

instagram - @livizzzle_
twitter - @LiVNiZZZLE
email - livnizzzle@gmail.com

O x

51.

I've decided to stop writing titles and go back to where I left off with the number titles so enjoy.

Having anxiety is a full time thing, it very rarely stops when I sleep because I'll have nightmares about the things I'm worried about and it's a continuous cycle which very rarely stops altogether. I woke up at like 3pm today and I'd gone to the bathroom and I checked myself in the mirror because I felt so fucking bad so it was an obvious I'd look that bad too, right? But anyway, my bottom lip was covered in blood and I thought waaitttt...... ha my nose bled again because it might be from that but no, I'd obviously had a nightmare and bit my lip that hard it bled so that's just great.

Anxiety is with me all the time and being in a relationship as well makes it less about you and more about them so for example - how my anxiety was mostly focused on do I look okay? am I going to be okay? an all that jazz, it's more like this now is he seeing other girls? does he even give a fuck?
Anxiety has made me alot less trusting, I mean look people's actions equal to if I trust you or not and that just makes it worse you know?
These past few days I've felt really bad like I just wanna cry and never get outta bed, literally it's literally took all my power to just sit on the edge of my bed and write this. I hate looking vulnerable and reliant on people so that's why I'd always choose to leave people rather than beg and plead for them.

I think for a few days this will be my last post until I start to chill the fuck out.

Sorry.

enjoy your weekend.

NEW BEGiNNiNGS .

New beginnings is a symbol of change, of people moving on and for things to start to be different in life.

Life has taught me that not everybody is going to like you and like arseholes everybody is going to have an opinion on what you do whether it involves them or not. The thing you have to know for a sure fact is that not everybody is going to be as good to you as you are to them, people just don't seem to like it when they've got a realist backing them up and life's weird in that sense that people would prefer to be around fake ass people rather than honest, loyal people.

I've met so many people throughout this journey, some good and some definitely bad, it'll test you as a person to how you react towards this negativity. I personally, can sometimes react badly because there's no inbetween for me, I either love you wholeheartedly or I hate you more than I hate the dark.
I've tried to stop myself from reacting badly in certain situations because I always say stuff I regret and then I can't ever take it back, and I'm not a bad person but I have my limits so if I see or if I've just had enough I'll snap because a human being can only take so much before he / she snaps.

During writing this blog I've felt myself feel angry, sad, disappointed, happy and content.. a whole range of emotions, I'll be honest I've felt disappointed and sad alot because it gets frustrating I don't write this blog for pity or sympathy I want people to understand, and there's been so many things happening during these 8 months. There's been happy times like London and then there's been really shitty times like the Predator situation or just arguing all the fucking time. I've met some truly wonderful people too whilst I've been writing like Rhys' family and aunts an all that jazz.

I've conquered many things I never thought I'd be able to do I had a job actually working with people I mean it was only for a month or two but until that went to shit I had a reason to get outta bed on occasion. I've had so many college interviews which when I was there I had continuous panic attacks and on one day I'd actually broken down and cried in front of people but I didn't give a fuck. I just didn't want to be there anymore. There's been times where I've felt so alone I'd rather not exist not die just not exist ever. I find myself struggling more and more often, it's usually the little things that bother me more now like a simple stupid comment or something like that.

The new chapter I'll be writing about now is purely about new beginnings, conquering new challenges, meeting new people and I hope you all continue to be on this journey with me. ThankYOU all for reading.

O x

SOCiAL MEDiA.

Hey guys, hope you're all enjoying your day wherever you may be.

I'm gonna be honest, last night it really made me reevaluate how I want to do this blog. When I first started creating social media's specifically for this blog I always wanted to get this onto a bigger platform and connect with so many people to all come together because we're all fighting to eliminate the stigma surrounding mental health in someway, yet what I have noticed is that the people that claim to be mental health advocates are the ones that are way more negative towards YOU and what you stand for.
We as humans, are supposed to stand together especially if we're fighting the same cause but I felt disgusted in the way these people act towards each other. I'll get to the point in a minute.

What I'm trying to get at is if you claim to be against bullying and if you've personally tweeted that you should NEVER say to people hurtful things because you never know what's going through their heads right now.

Last night whilst I was laid in bed just scrolling through twitter I saw a post that quite caught my eye. Someone that I followed was replying to somebody that had basically said she was only doing what she does to gain followers, and as someone that writes about living with mental illness and tries to get slot more awareness out there I thought that was so freaking disgusting. I'd tweeted into that and put "I find that super offensive. There's so many charities on Twitter supporting people - WHO ACTUALLY HELP." And I figured that'd be the last of it right? WRONG. I had someone tweet me some shit when I was actually defending her but I'm like fine okay whatever, just chill. But the thing what really truly got me was that the person that I was actually defending in the first place DM'd me on twitter this...

"I'm very sorry that you have some personal issues you need to work through. I wish you the best and forgive your unkindness. Perhaps you might want to be a bit more mature and think before you speak."

Is it really my fault that she took my words out of context? I personally believe it isn't, there was only ONE person that actually asked me what I meant and for people that don't know me to question my intentions by defending another human being was beyond me. What I'd also like to get at is that it was 04:24 AM in the UK and I had a hospital appointment in the morning and fair enough I coulda explained myself a tiny bit better but why in the world would you judge another human being negatively when you know absolutely nothing of them?! I'd also like to point out that she says she has mental health issues in her bio I'm not gonna be a dick and state what she says, everybody has flaws, nobody in this world is perfect but for someone to try and tell me when they don't even know me AT ALL that I need to work on my issues. FUCK YOU. 

Why be a shitty person and try and put your negative influence onto others? Social media is already full of hate that's a fact so why in the world aren't we making it an easier place for people that struggle just as much as you or I?

I felt like I just had to get this off my chest. 

O x

iLL NEVER BE WHAT YOUR DEFiNiTiON OF ''NORMAL'' iS.

Number one rule - Know that normal doesn't exist. Everybody has different ideas of what normal is so if you don't fit in to one persons definition then fuck it - who cares, you do YOU boo.

I've never really fit in, I have bright red hair and I'm a big loser that laughs at my own jokes but that's cool because I make myself happy. But I'm happy with me and it took months, years even for me to get at this point right now and it's scary because I know for a fact it could all change within the snap of a finger.

I used to change myself for other people and that's probably my biggest regret because I changed my personality, the way I dressed, everything to suit other people even if I wasn't happy.
I feel like that never made me happy and even when I found that I was super happy, I didn't want to be because I sacrificed myself in the process and that was way more damaging than anything else.

It'd be so easy for me to seclude myself again but I don't even want that, I just want to stop spending all my time with fake people. Fake people are in the lowest group of the food chain, because seriously who even needs that in their life?
Liars and people who wait til you have a bad day to tell you your flaws on things are fucking shitty people too.

Show love and compassion to those who need it the most because you never ever know what is going through their head right now.

Just don't be a heartless dickhead.

Love you!
x

DO i REALLY DESERVE THiS?

People change, I get that. But what I'll never understand is how a person can go from being the most attentive person, a person you plan to spend your life with, have babies an all that jazz to someone that's quite callous and completely a different character.

I'll never understand truly how someone who went from being the best thing in your life to someone that you just don't understand. I know I'm difficult and I know I always have more bad days than good but I've always been like that, I just hid it better.
I don't associate myself with people because I feel like they'll never understand, they won't understand why I do what I do and the whole reasoning behind it. I've always built this little shelter around me so I didn't give a fuck about anything and I realise that's not healthy and having emotions are completely normal. But I don't want to let somebody affect me that much.

I'm not even talking about in a relationship either, I just want to be able to know that another human being understands how I'm feeling. I've felt so alone for a while, I've got amazing people around me, I just can't change how I'm feeling.Whilst everybody around me is happy and content with life, I'm feeling lost and alone.
But nobody understands..

There's gonna be a few other posts tonight so that's why I've kept this one short.

Enjoy.

THE FACE OF MENTAL iLLNESS.

The face of mental illness isn't someone that's always sad and cries alot, it isn't someone who is introverted. The face of mental illness could be you or me, it could be your parents, your loved ones, even your boss. 

Mental illness looks like that stranger who you always see smiling, a smile so big it probably could be blinding. It's the woman who gets up every single day to put food on the table for her children, it's the man who works late nights every single week just so he can provide for his family. 

Mental health issues can affect anybody. Male, female, young or old. You can be from a working class background or an upper class background but we ALL have mental health whether it's good or bad - everybody in this world has physical health its something you can't change because we're all humans so if we all have physical health then why doesn't our mental health get treated the same? 

If I went to the doctors and said I had a tummy ache they'd give me pills to make me better, right? I went to the doctors basically EVERY single week and it took months, close to being a year for me to see a counselor that after the first meeting put me on another waiting list. In my opinion, mental health isn't taken as seriously as it is because let's face it if you're talking to someone and they say the normal things like

 "how're you?" 

"oh I'm fine, I just sprained my wrist so I've got to take it easy"

"oh how'd you do that? hope you get better soon!"

And then the conversation continues about their physical wellbeing, but I can guarantee it's completely different for mental health.

There's an obvious stigma surrounding mental health because the word 'depressed' gets thrown about far too much, people will say they're depressed because starbucks got their name wrong or something superficial like that. Depression is something many many people have to live with on a daily basis, and you can't just change your thoughts or how you're feeling, for me I'm either super happy like over the moon happy or I'm at the lowest I probably could be.

More than 55,000 suicides occur in the EU each year, which then means there's one death by suicide every 2 hours. That's a ridiculously high statistic, an estimated 2-15% of people who have been diagnosed with major depression die by suicide. Crow and colleagues found that crude mortality rates were 4.0% for anorexia nervosa, 3.9% for bulimia nervosa, and 5.2% for an eating disorder not specified. They also found a high suicide rate in bulimia nervosa.  

The highest 'killer' in mental illness is eating disorders - depression and bipolar disorder have the next highest suicide rates, and the problem with this is that more and more people young and old will die but nothing will change. 

This IS the face of mental illness. 

I've been told many times that I need to get more resilient and I've been told by family members that didn't understand what I was going through to 'get a thicker skin' these are the things you can't and shouldn't ever say to another human being. People throw words around like they mean nothing nowadays and I feel that's why there's such a big stigma surrounding mental health and all thing's related to it. People like to keep these things quiet for fear of getting judged because of the stigma around it, I'm just talking about how I feel towards it so it's just my own opinion - I as a young person felt ashamed and embarrassed for feeling like this for so long until I'd just decided that everybody in this world has mental health and alot of people struggle with things related to it as well so how can I be ashamed when everybody has a mental health just like they have a physical health. 

I can obviously only speak how I feel and stuff but I'd love to just tell everybody whether you understand mental health or not please never ever belittle us just because YOU don't understand it. No matter what your views on mental health are, you shouldn't ever take your ignorance out on somebody else, you don't know the struggles other people go through on a daily. YES hurt people hurt people, but you gotta take responsibility.

And finally, I'd like to just tell you all about the other person that's going to be writing on this - His name's Mike and I'll leave all his social media down here afterwards!

"I recently saw a tweet from @LiVNiZZLE raising the topic of "the face of mental health". It is an interesting discussion as we see more 'celebrities' talking about their mental health, and that's great. However my personal belief is that by perceiving these people as 'celebrities' there is already a disconnection because of the vastly different life's we lead. Personally (again) I connect much more with someone I perceive as being more like me. 

But what does that mean? Even saying that feels slightly strange. Do I perceive the rich and famous to have lesser struggles to myself? Does the fact they have a different background or culture make a difference? No, I don't think so. True I think our challenges are very different and the resources we have definitely are. However that does not mean they can't feel as low as me or struggle as much through each day. We could have the same dark thoughts, those challenges to get out of bed, to exercise, to be positive, to not feel so down about yourself that you struggle with self identity or thoughts of self harm. 

We all have mental health, as we do physical health, and it affects us all differently. If you have a job, money, a wife / husband, brothers, sisters, two friends or two hundred friends. Our minds all work differently, and yet can all fall victim to the same, or similar, demons.

I remember a line from 'The Black Dog' "depression is a equal opportunities mongrel" and heck that's just one these illnesses. Mental health does not care about who you are, where you come from or how old you are.  

I bring this up because as I said I personally connect more with someone I perceive as being like me or who has a similar story (I think). It is this judgement that we make about what someone can and can't feel, think or understand. It is that that can start to feed into the idea mental health can only affect certain people, or sometimes in my case, that only certain people can understand it.

I believe it comes down to this. Mental health affects us all. One in four will be affected by a mental health issue within their lifetime (UK stat). So if you are not directly affected it is highly likely at least one person you know is. Keeping that in mind, there should be increased importance placed on having conversations about mental health. 

The conversations should be natural and not embarrassing or stigma - charged. 

I am sorry to say I do judge what  can say to different people and I do judge their ability to understand. I am not sorry that I relate more to certain people or their stories. I am delighted that I have opportunity to: listen, read, watch, converse with many different people about mental health as a general topic and to discuss our own stories and struggles.  I am delighted because this shows more and more people are talking about mental health. 

This after all is something that does affect us all, whatever background or culture we come from.

When I think about 'the face of mental health' apart from seeing a vertical spinning fruit machine with different heads, bodies, legs. I think about me and the people I have met through talking about mental health, I think about the struggles we have, I think about the good days and the bad days. I think about how great it is we are able to talk about mental health. I also think about those people that struggle with mental health and don't know what's happening or who to go to. I think about the people that don't realise we all have mental health, just as we have physical health.

It is with those people in mind (and a few other things, my mind is abit.....that's a longer story!) that I started blogging and podcasting.

Let's keep talking about mental health. If your not sure who it affects, look in the mirror. "

Mikes social media - 

Twitter - @Mike_Douglas

Website - http://mikesjournals.wixsite.com/mikesopenjournal

Podcast - (Mike's Open Journal) available on iTunes & acast. 

my social media -

Twitter - @LiVNiZZZLE

Email - livnizzzle@gmail.com

Thanks for reading! <3