23.12.2019

i try so fucking hard, genuinely so hard to just keep it together and get through the day.

but there's days where i just get fed up of the same behaviours, fed up of the same feeling of missing that something in my life.

i get these really high highs, but the lows. god, they just get worse every single time, genuinely every single time it gets worse and it physically hurts.

and at that moment, i'm just begging for someone to notice but they don't and on the rare occasion they do, they try to psycho-analyze me and act as if they know what i'm about but honestly, there's very few that know me that well.

sometimes all you need is to be held for a little while, while someone tells you it'll be okay. 

and no, i'm not saying i need anybody in my life but i think at this moment, i need a wee bit of reassurance to be honest.

my last post was about feeling lost, and not knowing where i really actually fit in in this little world of life, and it was actually quite funny because i never expect people in my personal life to read my posts and the morning after i posted it, i went into work and every fucker had read it.

and i realised, i don't need to fit in, i need to create a world in which liv is happy and that's not been the case for a little while lately.

just gotta keep pushing on, i guess.

liv x

..feeling lost.

There's so much going on in my head lately and honestly that's why I haven't wrote in a long ass time.

My last post basically talks about how in love with Tom I am and before I get into this post I probably should mention that we broke up.

It was fucking hard and honestly it's still hard but I've got this.

For a while now, I've been feeling so lost like I just don't fit in anywhere..

I feel like the days get harder and longer whilst to everybody else it's just an average day but to me it's fucking exhausting. 

I go out, get a few bevs in, I do anything to fill the void that constantly fills the loneliest part of me and it works,for a little while until I'm alone in my bedroom at 3am wondering why I'm not good enough.

Why I can't just let it go and stop hurting but I can't do that, I want to feel like the Liv I was before I met him because honestly it's getting a struggle now. 

And I mean, everything's a struggle. Constantly smiling, acting like everything's good and nothing bothers me until it does. 

I changed my hair colour, I got a better position at work, things have started to get better for me but it just doesn't feel like it's getting better mentally and I'm fucking lost. 

I don't feel like I belong anywhere, I feel stuck in everything I do lately and it's honestly gotten to the point where I'm losing who Liv is and I don't even know what makes me happy anymore and that just fucking sucks.

I'll try be a little bit more consistent soon,
Liv
x

aaand she's back!

do you know what?

I had so many thoughts for this post but I'm saying fuck it and we're gonna get real here..

I've had a few people complimenting me lately because I 'look so much happier' and I think being told you look happier is one of the best compliments you can get hands down. and honestly, I am happier. so so much more happier than I thought I'd ever be, i thought i'd forever be stuck in a dead end cycle, feeling more and more insecure as time went on but I personally just wanted more.

Waking up feeling just as bad as the day before isn't how I wanted to spend my teenage years, I'd go from feeling bad to worse and it was a constant cycle that just weren't going anywhere and I got sick and tired of being in my own pity party basically.
When I first started to feel like maybe finally it's time to sort my shit out, I lost someone I regarded as my bestest friend, I came to the conclusion that I felt more like Liv without toxicity in my life.

I faced my insecurities out head on and half the time my anxiety stemmed from me overthinking scenarios that didn't even exist but I'd torment myself by constantly thinking this shit is going to happen. It didn't but I still convinced myself that one day it might.

I have so many people I'm grateful for, especially my family but I have two bestfriends Ilya and Bee and quite honestly, I love em.

They just deserved a little mention but anyway..

In my last post, it's pretty positive and I even contemplated deleting this blog and just getting on with my life but mental health doesn't just go away now you're suddenly feeling brighter.
Everybody has it, it affects every single person, and writing this has been my lifeline for the longest time. I get anxious and irritable whilst being calm and chill at the same time.
I call myself the most outgoing introvert, if you knew me in person a couple years ago, you'd think I was a completely different person nowadays.

BUT, I'm happy.
I have my anxious moments but that's life. I'm finally starting to see a bloody good future and I can't wait to see where this blog takes us.

Lots of love and stay groovy,
L
x

- new chapters in life -

we aren't even close to being half way into this year and already so much has bloody happened.

honestly, i have so much to say..

so much has happened in such a short amount of time that you'd think it'd be beyond overwhelming for me at this point but honestly, i'm so fed up of trying to rush my life and i'll admit at one point i did feel like i was just stuck a little bit and that's probably why i haven't wrote as much lately either. 

i'm always trying to write but it gets so bloody hard when i cant even begin to explain how shit has been, i went from being lonely, depressed and feeling like the entire world was against me to feeling like i have some sorta purpose, like i can be happy, i just need to chill. 

it's really really hard to move on from losing someone that was your absolute lifeline like i genuinely don't think anyone even understands that, like it broke me to the point where i believed i'd die of a broken heart, it was some excruciating pain that i'd never ever felt before in my life and that's when shit just all clicked for me. you live your life growing with somebody else and when they leave you have absolutely no clue what to do, right? 

you find who you were before you even knew they existed, you find out what makes YOU the happiest, what are your likes and dislikes.. you literally learn about who you as an individual are and i think that's one of the most important things about growing is. 

you find out who you are, and it's literally all self care. 

i've realised that i focused too much on the negative that my life was kinda just full of sadness because i didn't know how else to deal with my emotions but i'm learning to be better and do better and 

.. this time last year..

i was walking home from work and this little post idea popped into my head, so here it goes..

this time last year was so bloody different compared to how everything's now turned out, i was probably at one of the most anxious points in my life and i was constantly trying to dig myself out of the depressed dark little hole i created. 

i was in a relationship with my bestfriend and i think when we're all young we always assume you'll spend forever with the person you love but shit doesn't work out like that, and that's okay. 

at that point, i barely had any friends other than the pals that live up North so it was a pretty bloody isolating time for me and that's probably why i was constantly lonely, i had all my family and my ex's family around me and i still felt like the loneliest person in the room and nobody could ever understand why.

i feel like in part me and him ending pushed me to get my shit together mentally, i've always been the type of person to be in looooong relationships so plus how bad my anxiety used to be, i never really got to do my teen years so i guess that's why i'm constantly pushing myself, do something you always used to fear, make friends, dance like nobody's in the room but you and your pals. 

and now? 

i'm confident, i'm beginning to understand and know who i am as a person, i'm smiling and i don't have to fake shit with anyone. 

i became inconsistent at writing this blog because i didn't know what to do with it anymore but just because it was all about the trials and tribulations of mental health illnesses, it doesn't mean it can't now be about life when it no longer controls you. 

your mind isn't a weapon and it's not gonna be used to control me, i wasted so many years feeling like i couldn't do shit because of it, the amount of times it's literally held me back and i'm done with that now. 

i've made so many mistakes, i regret a few things but let me tell you all something..

this used to be 'Living with a mental illness' and i'm damn sure we'll bring that to past tense, bitch i lived with one, i still slightly live with anxiety but it's not always that crippling and physically effecting like it used to be. 

i'd like to say thankyou to all the people that have read this blog and taken to time out to read it, it's been a bloody rollercoaster hasn't it? i'm not sure if this is the end or just a new beginning for us really, i'm sure we'll all find out together anyway..

lots of love and stay jazzy,
Liv x

.- closing old chapters, opening new ones -.

For so long I've felt trapped by my own head. 

I've felt suffocated by anxiety, depression and people in my life that just didn't deserve to be there I guess. 

I was in a relationship, with my best friend and it was absolutely wonderful. He was genuinely one of the best people in my life but at the same time it was quite toxic. 

It was toxic because as much as I wanted to I just couldn't trust him as much as he deserved and for that I am truly sorry but now that it's ended I'm slowly realising where the hell I went wrong. 

Some people grow up together and stay together from being young and grow old together, but plants need water and nourishment and no two plants grow at the exact rate together but on the rare occasion they do and that's some special type of love but it doesn't often happen.

And we were like them plants, we were trying so hard to grow together but we just outgrew each other and we'd pick and pick and pick at each other until we just couldn't function. 

Don't get me wrong the days leading up to the break up we were beyond wicked like we were so good, we just weren't good enough. 

And as to be expected, my heart ached. My heart ached for my best friend. 

Sometimes we all need some reassurance that it will all be okay eventually and he would always give me that, so to have him never say that. God, it absolutely broke me.

I decided to change, not for him, not for any other man but for myself. 

I allowed myself to show vulnerabilities, I let myself feel genuine raw emotion for the first time in a long time.

I've become such an unstoppable force lately that I genuinely don't think I could feel anymore content in who I am as a person. 

My life is currently at its peak and I reckon, it's only gonna get better..

I'm the happiest I've been in a long time and it's all genuine happiness too. No fake bullshit, no more trying so hard to impress people. 

Just real, raw, honesty. 

As one door closes, another opens and I can't wait to see what this year brings me...

Lots of love sunshines,

L x

.. loss -..

loss is possibly one of the hardest things to write about because it stirs up all these emotions you were pushing away but I think if I don't write about this now, I never will..

so here goes...

life is full of loss, sometimes it happens more than others but that's the one thing everybody knows is going to happen, we're all going to lose somebody that we cared for and loved more than life itself but you grieve, you move on and most importantly you never forget the impact that person had on your life.

in October I lost my Grandpa and although I didn't really speak about it, it broke my heart beyond belief. I didn't really deal with it and my moods were all over the place, but what I learnt was that there's no right or wrong way to grieve for the death of someone you love.

you take each day as it comes and you appreciate the life you have around you..

and this one, well this ones a little different. he hasn't died, hes still alive but I've lost my bestfriend. 

I've lost someone I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd ever lose him and I guess that's what hurts the most really. 

I thought this person over something that wasn't my fault, I wish I could have said all the things I wanted too first but that's out of my control now. 

I'd like to thank him personally though, you made me feel loved when I felt my most unlovable, you showed me that actually there is people worth fighting for out there, and most importantly you made me learn to love myself when you left. 

the confidence you feel when you have amazing people around you shouldn't ever change because somebody's left. yes it hurts, it hurts every goddamn day but you can't live in hurt. 

you can't stay stuck in this dark little space called hurt because now you've got to think about yourself.

you've got to protect your mental health and make yourself your number one priority, because one day you'll wake up and have one of the worst moods and you'll end up thinking about this and all the whats ifs? but listen, you fought. you fought your goddamn hardest but you can't fight for people that don't want to be fought for. 

I know it's an absolutely shitty realisation but sometimes you've gotta face it, people are going to leave and it is going to hurt for a long time but you'll meet new people, you'll have people that want to stay in your life because they genuinely just love you and they're the people that'll make all this hurt worth it.

it took all the hurt and the sadness to find to light at the end of the darkness, and once you realise you are that light, it'll start to slowly stop hurting as much. 

"I'll hold up my universe and I hope you'll hold up yours too.."

L x

..- clawing my way to okay -...

i have fought, 

i was suffocating, 

i was drowning in my own thoughts..

i don't think anybody understands just how hard it is to get out of your own darkness, you're so used to constantly thinking the worst of yourself that you believe no matter just how badly you get treated that it's alright and it's somehow justified..

but you get stuck. stuck in your darkness and darkness caught off somebody else and that's no way to live. 

you cannot let yourself be a part of the darkness, you've gotta find your own way out or it will slowly eat you up and you'll lose everything you've fought so hard for. 

you fight so goddamn hard for yourself, 

you try so hard to become a better, more confident, happier version of yourself because really that's all you've been trying to be..

happier..

i think everybody's version of happiness is so different and it varies with each person but my version of being happiness is not constantly having to fake being happy.

i'll find myself always saying i'm happy but i think being happy isn't just cutting out the fake shit, allowing yourself to be open.

vulnerability is one of the most powerful things you can allow yourself to be, openness, rawness, that shit is one of the most attractive things to me (just my opinion).

"In a world full of unlimited choices, adore those who go hard for you. Commitment is a very rare thing." 

i've clawed my way out of being a victim to anorexia,

i fought tooth and nail for everything i've got right now.

i used to be physically scared of food, to the point if i got made to eat something i'd just start crying. 

i've clawed my way to okay for this long and let me tell you, there's no stopping me now.

L x

- Vulnerability -

allowing yourself to be raw and honest about everything that goes on in that beautiful little head of yours is one of the most powerful things you can do, mainly because you're allowing someone to try and understand a little piece of you just that little bit more personally.

i'm the type of person that longs to be vulnerable and open but i always get so bloody scared so i always just shut down and keep everything to myself, i know it's a really bad way of coping with things but it's what i do.
i wish i could just be 100% open, mainly for the fact things would be SO much easier. i don't think anybody realises just how hard it is to constantly have things going round and round in your head and not have a chance to just get them all out.

so, with this post here's my vulnerability..

i get scared, i get scared that this is all i'll ever be.
change scares me but i long for it, i hate feeling too comfortable in relationships not just romantic ones either, friendships an all that jazz too.

i'm terrified of the dark but i absolutely love to watch the moon and the stars light up the sky, like there's just something really comforting about the moon and the stars.. i always wonder whenever i'm out in the dark that the stars that are the brightest are the people who have passed away, not only in my life but everybody's life.

i'm scared to think of good memories with loved ones that have died because i'll have to come to terms with the fact i'll never see them again.
i miss my grandads, i say grandads because it's plural. both of them are gone, i got the chance to grow up and know one but my other grandad, i'm sad for the fact he never got to know just how much i've grown up to be like my mama.

i fear loss, i fear waking up one morning and everybody's gone and i'm completely alone.

but, i can promise you all this..
these might be fears and they might scare me really badly but they won't stop me from living my life to the fullest.
i want to live a life full of exploration and happiness, i want to do everything and fill my life full of good memories and love and positivity.

i am slowly learning that you don't need to be petty constantly, you need to accept love and be grateful for all that you do have.
depression isn't always going to control my life like it used to, the fear of the unknown isn't going to stop me from taking a gamble in life.

Forever isn't promised, but you can make a legacy that can live on forever.

L x