Suicidalness.

Hello Reader, I'm Liv.

I have a good life, I have an amazing family.

I have a dog called Ronnie who makes my life seem complete.

But there's one thing.

I'm suicidal.

I don't want to die but I guess I don't really want to exist either. 

I sometimes dread waking up because I have to do the same stuff I did yesterday and the day before and the day before that and the day before that etc. 

I feel a certain dread that can only be described as when you're about to cry and you feel that HUGE lump in your throat? But it never goes away, no matter how many times you cry, it doesn't just go. 

Wanting to tell someone, just anyone but knowing they just won't understand and they'll dismiss it which would make you feel even worse so you don't talk. You don't tell anyone. 

You act and pretend like everything's okay until it gets to night time and you feel so alone. 

And it's unbelievably lonely. 

I feel incredibly lonely more than I care to admit, I hide alot of my feelings because I don't want anybody to bother trying to understand because people just don't get it, it always gets dismissed and I don't want to allow myself to be vulnerable if I'm just gonna feel disheartened about it.

But, even feeling like this I'm still a great person. 

I just want to feel something, something more than this. 

I just want to be understood.

I just want to be okay. 

L x

- feelings after my inner demon -

It's been a while since I was at my worst with anorexia, it's been a LONG and extremely hard journey but it isn't over..

When I first suffered, I automatically thought my life was over. I had no hope, everything was just bleak. 

 I continued to fight.. I've battled anxiety, I've fought depression but my eating disorder was possibly my hardest opponent. 

If any of you have seen Harry Potter I'd describe anorexia as Dementors, soul sucking disorders that test you every single minute of the day and quite frankly its exhausting.

I guess this also contributes to the few reasons on why I haven't written a post recently, it's extremely scary putting your most vulnerable feelings out there for everyone to see. It's really quite nerve wracking allowing yourself to be vulnerable and letting people know indirectly what's really going round in your head.

Everybody assumes the hardest part of any eating disorder is the eating disorder itself, in my case it was Anorexia Nervosa. 

In my experience the hardest part is the recovery. Obviously if you've read some of my other posts then you'll know why I developed anorexia and if you haven't read it I got really badly bullied, and I felt so out of control and my eating was the only thing I could really control in my life and I no longer wanted to feel powerless so I took the power and with me doing that I developed Anorexia. 

Years after I first got told I was now in recovery I still struggle. 

I struggle more than I care to admit really.

Some days I know I'm the bomb, I feel confident and wicked etc but on them bad days I feel like I'd rather not exist at all and to be honest I could be having the best day and out of nowhere I'll just feel really fucking sad. I can't even try and explain the reasoning behind why I'm either super super happy or excruciatingly sad, I don't know myself so I can't even begin to get anyone else to know me.

I can't imagine suffering with any mental illness/and an eating disorder and having nobody around me as a support system. Because quite frankly for example, anxiety and depression are both extremely isolating. You could be in a room full of people and they could be all laughing having a great time yet you feel so lonely and your stuck in your head 24/7.
Fortunately for me, I have an amazing support system around me but many many people aren't that lucky and that's why people write.
That's why blogs similar to mine are created, it's why people have social media accounts dedicated to just letting their truths be known. Letting people into their heads without being not anonymous.

It does get better. It gets incredibly better, I might still have ridiculously bad days but that's why I cherish the good days. I cherish them so when shit gets bad I still have some light behind the darkness.

But right now, I'm happy. Really happy, happier than I thought I'd ever be and I just want to let anybody struggling who may read this that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
There's always light in the darkness, you've just got to be willing to find it.
And I've found my light and I hope you all do too.

L x