..- clawing my way to okay -...

i have fought, 

i was suffocating, 

i was drowning in my own thoughts..

i don't think anybody understands just how hard it is to get out of your own darkness, you're so used to constantly thinking the worst of yourself that you believe no matter just how badly you get treated that it's alright and it's somehow justified..

but you get stuck. stuck in your darkness and darkness caught off somebody else and that's no way to live. 

you cannot let yourself be a part of the darkness, you've gotta find your own way out or it will slowly eat you up and you'll lose everything you've fought so hard for. 

you fight so goddamn hard for yourself, 

you try so hard to become a better, more confident, happier version of yourself because really that's all you've been trying to be..

happier..

i think everybody's version of happiness is so different and it varies with each person but my version of being happiness is not constantly having to fake being happy.

i'll find myself always saying i'm happy but i think being happy isn't just cutting out the fake shit, allowing yourself to be open.

vulnerability is one of the most powerful things you can allow yourself to be, openness, rawness, that shit is one of the most attractive things to me (just my opinion).

"In a world full of unlimited choices, adore those who go hard for you. Commitment is a very rare thing." 

i've clawed my way out of being a victim to anorexia,

i fought tooth and nail for everything i've got right now.

i used to be physically scared of food, to the point if i got made to eat something i'd just start crying. 

i've clawed my way to okay for this long and let me tell you, there's no stopping me now.

L x

- Vulnerability -

allowing yourself to be raw and honest about everything that goes on in that beautiful little head of yours is one of the most powerful things you can do, mainly because you're allowing someone to try and understand a little piece of you just that little bit more personally.

i'm the type of person that longs to be vulnerable and open but i always get so bloody scared so i always just shut down and keep everything to myself, i know it's a really bad way of coping with things but it's what i do.
i wish i could just be 100% open, mainly for the fact things would be SO much easier. i don't think anybody realises just how hard it is to constantly have things going round and round in your head and not have a chance to just get them all out.

so, with this post here's my vulnerability..

i get scared, i get scared that this is all i'll ever be.
change scares me but i long for it, i hate feeling too comfortable in relationships not just romantic ones either, friendships an all that jazz too.

i'm terrified of the dark but i absolutely love to watch the moon and the stars light up the sky, like there's just something really comforting about the moon and the stars.. i always wonder whenever i'm out in the dark that the stars that are the brightest are the people who have passed away, not only in my life but everybody's life.

i'm scared to think of good memories with loved ones that have died because i'll have to come to terms with the fact i'll never see them again.
i miss my grandads, i say grandads because it's plural. both of them are gone, i got the chance to grow up and know one but my other grandad, i'm sad for the fact he never got to know just how much i've grown up to be like my mama.

i fear loss, i fear waking up one morning and everybody's gone and i'm completely alone.

but, i can promise you all this..
these might be fears and they might scare me really badly but they won't stop me from living my life to the fullest.
i want to live a life full of exploration and happiness, i want to do everything and fill my life full of good memories and love and positivity.

i am slowly learning that you don't need to be petty constantly, you need to accept love and be grateful for all that you do have.
depression isn't always going to control my life like it used to, the fear of the unknown isn't going to stop me from taking a gamble in life.

Forever isn't promised, but you can make a legacy that can live on forever.

L x