aaaaaaaaand i'm done.

 sometimes you just need a friend, someone that'll actually listen and give a fuck.

recently, i thought i had a good couple of friends but changes happen and it is what it is really. 

but sometimes you just want one bloody person to not turn into a dickbag, you know?

sadness.

miserable or melancholy are probably better words to describe it, it's more than sadness.

i could be in a room full of people yet i'd still be the loneliest, isolated from everybody because plain and simply i don't feel i fit in.

it's actually kinda unreal considering a couple months before i was feeling really bloody happy, everything was going into place and for the first time i felt settled like all the shit that happened before was so this could all happen and it made sense to begin with but now i've thought about it and realized this shit just aint right.

my heart is heavy and every day i wake up in a state of constant dread, and i dread going on about my day. doing the same thing, being around the same people that dislike me, belittle me, etc. 

it's like i constantly try to find this light, to find that one thing that makes it all worth it but the minute i start to find it and i get genuinely so content about it, the other shit just gets overwhelming and it feels suffocating, it feels like i'm trying so goddamn hard to keep it together but it's almost as if all the negative feelings have morphed into a person and it has its hands around my neck so it's getting harder and harder to breathe.

it's really fucking hard to even try and be positive about my current situation purely for the fact besides my family, nobody even understands. but on the rare occasion someone bothers to try an listen all i get is ''do whatever makes you happy'' blah blah blah.

if i knew what happy was then maybe i'd try and accomplish that but i don't.

it really really sucks.

ps - if anybody tries to correct my grammar, piss offfffff.

L x

.. the joy of change.

alot of people are afraid of change. 

afraid of things not being the same routine based days, day in day out..

i used to crave routine, i couldn't deal with change like at all. not one bit, it made me feel like there was a constant eruption going on in my life and i had absolutely no control over it whatsoever. 

i feared change to the point where even if there was a slight change, my mood would instantly drop and i'd be stuck in my own head for a while.

now after being stuck in the monotony, i crave change.
change is what spurs me on in the morning, it's something i welcome with open arms and embrace it so so tightly.

i crave adventure and i have this real lust for life that i used to fear.

i always say i'm gonna get more posts out and be more frequent but honestly, sometimes writing scares me. putting my thoughts, feelings and my entire heart into every single post makes me feel more vulnerable than i like to be and i get that this is what this blog is but it still makes me bloody petrified.
once upon a time, this blog was the only thing keeping me sane and for some reason the thing keeping me sane is the very thing i'm writing about right now. bloody change.

change only happens if you invite it in, if you welcome it and treat it lovingly, change happens when your life is in need of it.
whether it be a job, a relationship, anything in general. if change happens in your life, and something out of your control happens. allow nature to just take its course, it will get better and if it doesn't then it's not quite over just yet.

and i'm goddamn happy for this change, it feels genuine and good.

i wish i could pour out the contents of my brain right now but i just can't.

Speak to you all soon hopefully.

L x

it's the little things..

it's the little things, the simple pleasures that life has to offer that makes me happy dance inside. 

the people you can talk too for hours on end and not get bored, the people that remember the little things about you and actually listen. 

the people that make you forget just how anxious and stressed you are inside, and they just make you wanna fist pump the air because for the first time in a long ass while i don't constantly feel anxious.

i don't constantly feel like a prisoner in my own body, i feel like i could actually take on the world and that's pretty impressive considering if you knew how i was last year and even the start of this year, i was pretty much a wreck. i'm my own worst enemy at the best of times but then i had this constant war going on inside my head and for a while i thought ''shit, this is how it's always gonna be.''

i think everybody feels insecure and anxious at the best of times but having them as your constant two main feelings, it's fucking draining.

and you actually want to reach out to someone and be like ''i'm really not okay'' but the majority of the time nobody actually listens. people will say they wanna be there for you an everything but deep down i think people know that it's bullshit and they won't contact you again for the next however many years.

i always have 101 things constantly going round and round in my head so to be free of my own insecurities, worries and everything else, it's absolute bliss.
i get asked why i wear as much make up as i do and the reality of it is it's my mask.
it's what hides how i'm really feeling, it makes me feel empowered and quite frankly i feel like i can conquer anything because i'm fearless as hell but in reality i'm full of fear.

i prefer the little things, the little affectionate bouts of passion, i just like knowing someone really cares i guess.

L x

- long time no write... -

It's been a while since I last posted and it's been even longer since I lost posted frequently so I really do apologise for that. 

So, where do I even begin? 

I want to just confide in you all but I don't even know where to start. 

On the 11th I went to my Grandad's funeral and I did a speech as well, I think I stuttered a little bit but I always do when I get nervous or anxious. I really adored my Grandad but being in a church which I'm not even religious and doing a speech when I have really bad anxiety was so unbelievably hard. 

My heart was beating and I could feel my throat closing up so I just wanted to be over and done with it but the one thing I did so that nobody would know I felt this way was I smiled. I had the biggest smile on my face because I know my Grandad would be smiling if he knew exactly what I was doing. 

I'm not sure how you're supposed to feel when someone passes away but I know there's no wrong or right way to feel. You just feel. 

There's this guy where I work and he'd told me something his Grandad had said to him and basically right now you're a foot soldier, and life throws you these obstacles and it's how you react to them which will either show you you can be a leader or you'l always be a foot soldier. 

And that's stuck with me ever since he said that, I've tried to keep telling myself that when I feel low but sometimes you just react without thinking and that's one thing I urge all of you to not do. 

You've got to think before you do things because every reaction has either an equal reaction or an opposite one. 

- every action has a reaction - 

Before I sign off, I want to firstly thank everybody for reading my blog to begin with and sticking by it with all it's faults. I'm going to try and write more frequently and not be so slack now.

Stay groovy. 

L x

Suicidalness.

Hello Reader, I'm Liv.

I have a good life, I have an amazing family.

I have a dog called Ronnie who makes my life seem complete.

But there's one thing.

I'm suicidal.

I don't want to die but I guess I don't really want to exist either. 

I sometimes dread waking up because I have to do the same stuff I did yesterday and the day before and the day before that and the day before that etc. 

I feel a certain dread that can only be described as when you're about to cry and you feel that HUGE lump in your throat? But it never goes away, no matter how many times you cry, it doesn't just go. 

Wanting to tell someone, just anyone but knowing they just won't understand and they'll dismiss it which would make you feel even worse so you don't talk. You don't tell anyone. 

You act and pretend like everything's okay until it gets to night time and you feel so alone. 

And it's unbelievably lonely. 

I feel incredibly lonely more than I care to admit, I hide alot of my feelings because I don't want anybody to bother trying to understand because people just don't get it, it always gets dismissed and I don't want to allow myself to be vulnerable if I'm just gonna feel disheartened about it.

But, even feeling like this I'm still a great person. 

I just want to feel something, something more than this. 

I just want to be understood.

I just want to be okay. 

L x

- feelings after my inner demon -

It's been a while since I was at my worst with anorexia, it's been a LONG and extremely hard journey but it isn't over..

When I first suffered, I automatically thought my life was over. I had no hope, everything was just bleak. 

 I continued to fight.. I've battled anxiety, I've fought depression but my eating disorder was possibly my hardest opponent. 

If any of you have seen Harry Potter I'd describe anorexia as Dementors, soul sucking disorders that test you every single minute of the day and quite frankly its exhausting.

I guess this also contributes to the few reasons on why I haven't written a post recently, it's extremely scary putting your most vulnerable feelings out there for everyone to see. It's really quite nerve wracking allowing yourself to be vulnerable and letting people know indirectly what's really going round in your head.

Everybody assumes the hardest part of any eating disorder is the eating disorder itself, in my case it was Anorexia Nervosa. 

In my experience the hardest part is the recovery. Obviously if you've read some of my other posts then you'll know why I developed anorexia and if you haven't read it I got really badly bullied, and I felt so out of control and my eating was the only thing I could really control in my life and I no longer wanted to feel powerless so I took the power and with me doing that I developed Anorexia. 

Years after I first got told I was now in recovery I still struggle. 

I struggle more than I care to admit really.

Some days I know I'm the bomb, I feel confident and wicked etc but on them bad days I feel like I'd rather not exist at all and to be honest I could be having the best day and out of nowhere I'll just feel really fucking sad. I can't even try and explain the reasoning behind why I'm either super super happy or excruciatingly sad, I don't know myself so I can't even begin to get anyone else to know me.

I can't imagine suffering with any mental illness/and an eating disorder and having nobody around me as a support system. Because quite frankly for example, anxiety and depression are both extremely isolating. You could be in a room full of people and they could be all laughing having a great time yet you feel so lonely and your stuck in your head 24/7.
Fortunately for me, I have an amazing support system around me but many many people aren't that lucky and that's why people write.
That's why blogs similar to mine are created, it's why people have social media accounts dedicated to just letting their truths be known. Letting people into their heads without being not anonymous.

It does get better. It gets incredibly better, I might still have ridiculously bad days but that's why I cherish the good days. I cherish them so when shit gets bad I still have some light behind the darkness.

But right now, I'm happy. Really happy, happier than I thought I'd ever be and I just want to let anybody struggling who may read this that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
There's always light in the darkness, you've just got to be willing to find it.
And I've found my light and I hope you all do too.

L x

- travelling with J -

on Saturday the 7th of April i went to see Harry Styles, and let me just explain things a lil bit..

whenever i have to go on trains or be somewhere i'll wake up like 6 hours early, i'll have at least 10 alarms set for 5 am and i'll spend the first half hour thinking of the worst possible scenario and get myself into a panic. 

i'll have a shower, but during that shower i'll have an anxiety attack and cry then get out and act like nothing happened then i'll start to get ready and whatnot.

the thing about mental illness though, is that is doesn't just go away. 

no matter how excited/happy you should be, you're still thinking of the worst possible outcome, you're still feeling all the physical symptoms of anxiety, needing to nervous pee, 

feeling like you're gonna puke, headaches, shaking, dry throat.

eventually after all like decades of walking, we made it to the hotel which was swanky as hell!!!

and after i'd done my make up again, we were ready to go eat and then see Harry Styles!

we couldn't eat because the queues were ridiculously long and the waiting times were crazy so we would have missed the concert so we went to the hotel bar instead..

in the moment, i weren't this anxious depressed ridden woman, i wasn't this woman that struggled with shit.

we were just the happiest people in the world and we were waiting to see my favourite artist, the person who's music i play 24/7 which he sings along with me and the majority of the time he doesn't complain.

oh, we drank rum cocktails and i felt AMAZING.

by the time we got to the arena, i was incredibly panicky, my heart kept racing and i felt like i was gonna puke all over myself (thankfully, i didn't) but anyway, we found our seats and we were crazy close to the stage and i couldn't believe i was gonna see him IN THE FLESH finally!!!!!

after all the build up from my birthday, it was finally here and in no way shape or form was i going to let anxiety or depression ruin this for me. 

i was not prepared to let it be ruined over that.

he was finally out here, in the flesh.

he was right in front of my eyes and i couldn't believe it, after so long of looking through instagram videos/pictures, after scrolling through his fan pages for months and months, he was here. 

and it was me that was finally taking pictures and videos of him.

i had this lump in my throat, i wanted to cry..

i was in an arena that held 15,683 and every single seat was taken. for a woman that often panics about leaving my house this was an achievement. 

i couldn't stop shaking, in that exact moment i felt free. 

free from everything that's made me feel like a burden to the people around me.

i feel happiness but not the happiness that goes away as quick as a click of a finger, but the happiness that's stayed and even now it being a memory it still makes me incredibly happy. 

although the day after and just laying down on the bed, i felt mentally exhausted. i was so drained after being so anxious, after having barely any sleep, i just wanted to not be so tense. 

i'd had a bad belly after my stomach being in knots for days, and i still couldn't actually relax.

the thing about mental illness is when you feel like you're at the bottom of the barrel, you feel hopeless, like you've got absolutely nothing going for you. 

you feel like you're this fragile delicate little thing that people just give pity, you have your defenses sky high no matter what.

you feel like you're stuck in this downward spiral and there's no escape from the darkness, from the constant overthinking, from the constant doubt but you are more than that. 

you are more than  how you feel, you are more than mental illness. 

no matter how low and how truly awful you feel, you've all got alot more going for you than any of you realise.

and lastly, never underestimate yourself.

YOU are powerful

YOU are strong

YOU are brave

L x

  

- the dangers of being misunderstood -

i've written this blog for about 3 years(ish) now and throughout it all people have come and waltzed straight out of my life, and that's because people don't understand. 

people don't understand the severity of mental illness, the day to day life with anxiety and depression. 

nobody see's the challenges, the breaking down 20 minutes before i have to go out, the crying the night before before i'm trying so hard not to just puke everywhere because my heads telling me somethings going to go wrong. 

so let me TRY and help you understand my personal struggles..

first of all, i'm not shy. i'm socially anxious, i tend to stay quiet because i'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing, or to be misunderstood. ironically. 

i always without doubt use my phone as a crutch, if i'm in a situation where it's a room full of people i always reach for my phone, not that i get any messages but i play these dumb little games on my phone and eventually i'll feel like the world has decided to stop swallowing me whole. 

i personally feel like there's only one or two people in this world that actually understand me and it isn't because people don't try because they do but once they've assumed there's nothing else to understand they stop trying, they in my eyes give up trying. 

people romanticize depression and anxiety, like the amount of times i've heard someone say 

''i just want to make you better'', ''i just want to help fix this.'' 

and honestly, you want to help fix me? am i broken in your eyes then? 

i'm not some piece of glass you can just glue back together, i'm not some broken fragile mess. 

i genuinely can't explain my frustrations when people say this because i don't portray myself as broken, i don't allow them to see me vulnerably just for them to assume i'm broken. 

i'm severely depressed, there's a difference. 

i'm on antidepressants to ''fix'' me, i don't need someone being romantically involved with me if that's all they see.

i think about suicide alot, but that doesn't mean when the going gets tough i'm just going to do that. 

purely for the fact it takes an incredibly strong person to actually do that and i know for a fact i'm not strong enough. 

i have hope, i always expect the worst but i hope for the best. 

i don't entirely believe in religion but when i'm at my worst, i pray. i don't pray to a God which sounds dumb but i always reach out for the help, i'll reach out to my Grandad.

i didn't get to meet him when i got old enough to remember him but i've seen pictures and when i'm breaking down, my face is swollen from all the crying, i want him to take my pain away. 

i get how dumb it sounds but when you're at your absolute lowest you just want someone to take that pain away and yeah. 

i'm anxious, anxious as hell. yet people can't understand why sometimes i can just force myself to do certain things like get on trains, go outside of my house, go to someone else's house etc. 

i have anxiety attacks about doing all of that though, i always have to wake up like 6 hours earlier because i always think maybe i'm gonna miss my train, maybe i'm gonna get lost. 

i can put myself in these situations because i'm so scared everyone will think differently of me.

if i didn't have some kinda hope, i wouldn't be here. 

i just want someone to not give up on trying, mental illness is a complex thing but when the person suffering loves you and just wants you to listen without them having to comfort you because again, you didn't like what they said is alot worse. 

i always try to be silent about my struggles, i always try to keep everything to myself and that's more unhealthy than i like to admit. 

so please, if you or someone you know suffers with mental illness of any kind, just listen. don't talk, don't try to comfort them, just let them get everything out, even if that means them ending up sobbing their hearts out, let them. 

for someone to allow themselves to be vulnerable in front of you, that shows they trust you, they respect you and they just want someone to finally listen because they're so used to people giving up. 

prove them wrong, prove to them you won't just get up and leave after they've said everything, prove to them you're actually different to everyone else. 

L x

- Antidepressants -

 antidepressants are quite scary. 

for me personally anyway, it was at the most pivotal moment when i decided i needed to be on them.

i'd had a rough day, i'd ended up crying over something and it was crying to the point of not being able to breathe, i'd built up all these feelings and i'd bottle it up every single time so when i did eventually just breakdown, i BROKE down. 

to the point where i just couldn't stop crying, no real reason but i just couldn't stop and i needed help. 

and that's me in a nutshell, i bottle everything up and so i'm just a ticking time bomb of tears ready to happen. 

i didn't wanna be on antidepressants not because of the stigma around them but because they make you put weight on and if you've previously read any of my other posts you'll know that's something i absolutely dread. so after a while i just stopped taking them because i was scared of getting sick again. 

and then it'd happen over and over again until i felt like i was finally stable enough in my recovery of anorexia that i could put weight on without it being the end of the world, so i decided to give antidepressants another go. 

it took me ages to finally find the pill right for me, some had lactose in and i'm allergic, some made me see things that weren't there, some just generally made me feel worse and then the 'magic pill' came along. 

it finally felt like a weight off my shoulders, i personally began to feel like a lost cause and that nothing was ever going to help but it has. 

don't get me wrong, it's taken since my early teens to now to actually find something that works and is effective. i remember being so against pills not for anyone else but for me because i know pills do work but it takes time for them to actually work and you've got to be patient and know that pills aren't just a quick fix like some may think. 

i still on occasion have my little breakdowns but that's just because i absolutely hate talking about my feelings, i absolutely hate being vulnerable to anyone and i guess sometimes my own feelings scare me. 

anxiety, depression and my eating disorder they all still have their voices very prominent in my mind, on a bad day it could go from 0 - 100 real damn quick but i'm learning how to keep them at the back of my mind because i know damn well they aren't just going to leave. 

i'm the one that's in control and you've always got to think about what's the best possible solution for you, whether it be counselling or medication or something completely different. there's always a solution and you'll always find it no matter how long it takes. 

L x

MURDERERS: Andrea Yates - Mental Health Series -

Before anyone says anything, I'm not condoning anything this woman did. 

Being mentally ill is no excuse for the tragic incident that happened and quite frankly it's a genuine tragedy. 

WHAT DOES ANYBODY ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT ANDREA YATES?

First of all, let's give you an insight into her history..

She had a deep battle with bulimia and she'd suffered quite severely with depression also, by the age of 17 she was talking to her friends about suicide, so that shows just where her mind was at. 

In school she was the class valedictorian, captain of the swim team AND an officer in the national honor society, so she seemingly had ALOT of things going for her at that time despite her mental health issues.

In the summer of 1989 she met Russell 'Rusty' Yates, they later went on to marry in April 1993.

They announced to friends and family ''they would seek to have as many babies as nature allowed.''

They appeared to be the perfect couple until after the birth of her fourth child Luke. 

She became severely depressed and on June 16th 1999, 'Rusty' found her shaking and chewing her fingers.

The next day she attempted to commit suicide by overdosing on pills, she later got admitted to hospital and prescribed antidepressants. In my opinion I'd say at this point in her life this is where the beginning of her psychosis started..

Soon after she got released she begged 'Rusty' to let her die as she held a knife up to her neck. 

Once again she got hospitalized and was put on a cocktail of medications including Haldol, also she was taking 450 milligrams of Effexor.

If you don't know what Haldol is, it's an antipsychotic drug that decreases excitement in the brain. It's used to treat psychotic disorders like schizophrenia, to control motor (movement) and verbal (for example, Tourette's syndrome) tics and is used to treat severe behaviour problems in children. 

Her condition improved almost immediately whilst taking Haldol and on her release she was prescribed this drug, she appeared to be temporarily stabilized. 

Although Rusty thought she was ''severely over medicated.''

In July 1999, she suffered a nervous breakdown, two failed suicide attempts and two psychiatric hospitalizations later and she finally gets diagnosed with postpartum psychosis. 

Her psychiatrist urged her and 'Rusty' not to have anymore children because it would guarantee future psychotic depression.

Now before we continue, let's just learn a little bit about her husband..

He was a very religious man, he believed a woman's only/sole purpose was childbearing.

He soon introduced his wife to these misguided views of Christianity.

He believed in the 'dark side' of religion.

Some of the ideas espoused by the likes of Russell Yates and his ''spiritual advisor'' are just plain false. 

But the bottom line of the belief system goes like this..

World bad. Only some Christians with special knowledge good. 

Men rule. Women submit. Have babies. Stay removed from the world's decay. 

Andrea herself was already mentally unstable which would have helped him manipulate his wife into believing this.

So, whilst Andrea was struggling she continued to have children and in March 2000 she stopped taking Haldol. Against her psychiatrists advice, she was warned it would help her uncontrollable actions and she'd improve but she decided against that. On the 30th November 2000, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Mary.

The death of her father. 

The death of a loved one, the grief, the heartache, the pain.

That affects anyone but someone that's got a history of mental illness and just straight up not being able to cope.

March 12th 2001, a father she adored, she didn't know how to cope and control her emotions or even grieve properly. 

Grief stricken she started to harm herself and not feed her youngest baby.

This was the stressor for the terrible and truly distressing events that later occurred.

This was just the beginning..

Whilst she was previously in group therapy, she'd called herself  'Andrea Depression', Rusty kept thinking that she was the sickest person in the room.

Once again she got hospitalized until the insurance ran out even though everyone could see and knew she was still very very sick.

According to 'Rusty' Yates.. 

''The nurses lowered their heads in shame and embarrassment, and turned to walk away without saying a word, knowing that Andrea was too sick to be released. They couldn't do anything else, Rusty understood, because the ten day insurance stay had run out, so he took his wife home.''

One month after she was released Rusty left her alone with the five kids, he left her alone with them for one hour and in that hour, she drowned her children one by one.

Rusty has previously said he believes all Andrea needed was to not be babied and get a reality check. 

She desperately needed help and personally because of the help she failed to receive she was really just a  ticking time bomb. 

I think nurses/doctors have a responsibility, they have a duty of care and in this case, insurance is more important than a mentally unstable woman with five children.

She currently lives in a minimum security facility and says she grieves for her children every single day and Rusty got remarried.

L x

MURDERERS: Raoul Moat - Mental Health Series -

Before anyone tries to say anything about this post, I'd just like to say I'm not in any way whatsoever condoning the actions of this man, and in no way am I giving the excuse of being mentally ill for this either.

Whether you're mentally ill or not anybody is capable of things as horrific as these.

WHAT DOES ANYBODY ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT RAOUL MOAT?

His mother who has a history of mental illness took a lot of things out on him, she burnt all of his toys in front of him, beat and abused him which over time all these feelings of rage, resentment and just pure anger built up over time. He'd bottled up all of these emotions throughout his life and he was just a volcano waiting to erupt..

Let's skip into his adult life now, he's an angry volatile person to be around, he works as a doorman and he had several kids (don't quote me on the number lmao) and he's just been put into prison serving an 18 week sentence.

Whilst in prison his girlfriend of 6 years contacts him and ends the volatile relationship. 

She also lets him know she's got a new man and he's a police officer..

By this time, he'd already believed the police were out to get him so her saying that added fuel to the already lit fire which was Raoul. Even before he got put into prison he grew increasingly paranoid and had CCTV cameras put all over his property to ''prove'' the police were hassling him, there's also recordings of him saying he could prove that he never assaulted his ex girlfriend but since he's deceased there's really no way of finding proper ''proof''.

This is still before he got put into prison, his paranoia was overtaking him. He truly believed people were out to get him so he'd sleep with an axe and a crossbow under his bed. 

And that really tells you where his mindset is at..

Whilst in prison he had several meetings with social workers which he'd repeatedly told them he'd like to speak to a psychiatrist regularly just in case something is actually wrong with him.

In his own words..

''I'm quite emotionally unstable you know, I get myself over the top happy sometimes, and I have my bad days you know.'' 

He begged to get help and his pleas fell on deaf ears. He's extremely desperate to get some kind of help so he doesn't end up losing his children. 

As an adult he grew to have nightmares, and in these nightmares he was a seven year old boy being chased by monsters.

He grew up plagued by bad dreams and memories of what was his childhood, from early on he bottled up the negative feelings like rejection, rage, anger, etc.

It appears that during his prison stay his mental health was slowly deteriorating more and more.

Every time you ask for help, and just get pushed away. It makes you feel more and more defeated and that would have only added to the frustration which again he bottled up all of his emotions as a child and that being his coping mechanism. 

''The more you block things out, the more numb you become in the heart, you know. You get to a point where happiness to you is just like, neither here nor there.''

36 hours after he got released he was seen on CCTV  buying camping equipment which shows whatever plan or idea he had in his head he was ready to go through with it. 

He was also seen on his OWN CCTV cameras on his property with the sewn off shotgun he purchased.

He'd put a status on Facebook which read..

''I've lost everything...

I'm not 21 and I can't rebuild my life.

Watch and see what happens.''

So, it's clear where his head is at. 

He's out of prison. He's feeling like he's lost everything. He blames his ex girlfriends new partner who he believes is on the police force and he's ready to get revenge.

He's shot his ex girlfriend twice and thankfully she survived, he then went on to shoot Christopher Brown three times and unfortunately he didn't survive. 

This became Britain's LONGEST manhunt. 

Several arrests were made in connection to his whereabouts but somehow he was always one step ahead of the police until they found him in Rothbury.

After 5 hours of him building a rapport with a skilled negotiator something switched up and he finally said..

''It ends in this field tonight.''

The police had also tasered him but he'd put the gun to his head and shot himself, he got rushed to a Newcastle hospital and then later died.

I personally believe everyone got let down here. 

I'm not making ANY excuse for him for doing what he did but in a way I believe there's a possibility it could have been prevented had he been given some kind of help. 

I also believe that had he been taught to deal with his emotions differently by that help provided, people wouldn't have lost their lives because of his actions. 

I think it's a really sad and disappointing situation because on the recordings which you can find on YouTube etc, you can hear how desperate he is and his own brother said in an interview on the documentary Real Crime did that he was on the verge of having a very severe breakdown. 

L x

- loneliness -

being mentally ill is draining.

having both anxiety and depression is like two sides constantly in war with eachother, you've got the anxious side of me that would love nothing more than to go out, make more friends etc and then you've got the depressive side of me that would rather take depression naps like 5 times a day, stay up til at least 4am and then sometimes have a lil cry before I sleep then do it all over again the next day..

for a little while now i've had literally no idea of what to write about, i've had no motivation to even write but then i figured why not write about something i'm feeling more frequently so here it is..

i'm not sure why i've suddenly been feeling like this, i just feel really fucking sad. 

i have 5746485929 things going round my head all at once and all i'm doing is overthinking every single little detail. i'll be laid in bed thinking of something that happened literally months ago and i'll get upset and it's a constant cycle of this.

i'm a creature of habit, so when something has changed it completely knocks me and i won't know how to function the same. even if it's the tiniest change, it kinda just knocks a chink off my armor and i'll feel really lost. 

lost and lonely. the two most prominent feelings lately. 

 i tend to keep everything in but my mam always said i'm like a sponge and there's only so much i can take until i explode and just end up crying my eyes out lmao. 

which also doesn't happen often but when it does, it's like i'm broken and i don't wanna feel broken anymore.

i just don't know what to do anymore, and i get frustrated because i have no reason to feel like this but i do and it freaking sucks.

L x