- new chapters in life -

we aren't even close to being half way into this year and already so much has bloody happened.

honestly, i have so much to say..

so much has happened in such a short amount of time that you'd think it'd be beyond overwhelming for me at this point but honestly, i'm so fed up of trying to rush my life and i'll admit at one point i did feel like i was just stuck a little bit and that's probably why i haven't wrote as much lately either. 

i'm always trying to write but it gets so bloody hard when i cant even begin to explain how shit has been, i went from being lonely, depressed and feeling like the entire world was against me to feeling like i have some sorta purpose, like i can be happy, i just need to chill. 

it's really really hard to move on from losing someone that was your absolute lifeline like i genuinely don't think anyone even understands that, like it broke me to the point where i believed i'd die of a broken heart, it was some excruciating pain that i'd never ever felt before in my life and that's when shit just all clicked for me. you live your life growing with somebody else and when they leave you have absolutely no clue what to do, right? 

you find who you were before you even knew they existed, you find out what makes YOU the happiest, what are your likes and dislikes.. you literally learn about who you as an individual are and i think that's one of the most important things about growing is. 

you find out who you are, and it's literally all self care. 

i've realised that i focused too much on the negative that my life was kinda just full of sadness because i didn't know how else to deal with my emotions but i'm learning to be better and do better and 

.. this time last year..

i was walking home from work and this little post idea popped into my head, so here it goes..

this time last year was so bloody different compared to how everything's now turned out, i was probably at one of the most anxious points in my life and i was constantly trying to dig myself out of the depressed dark little hole i created. 

i was in a relationship with my bestfriend and i think when we're all young we always assume you'll spend forever with the person you love but shit doesn't work out like that, and that's okay. 

at that point, i barely had any friends other than the pals that live up North so it was a pretty bloody isolating time for me and that's probably why i was constantly lonely, i had all my family and my ex's family around me and i still felt like the loneliest person in the room and nobody could ever understand why.

i feel like in part me and him ending pushed me to get my shit together mentally, i've always been the type of person to be in looooong relationships so plus how bad my anxiety used to be, i never really got to do my teen years so i guess that's why i'm constantly pushing myself, do something you always used to fear, make friends, dance like nobody's in the room but you and your pals. 

and now? 

i'm confident, i'm beginning to understand and know who i am as a person, i'm smiling and i don't have to fake shit with anyone. 

i became inconsistent at writing this blog because i didn't know what to do with it anymore but just because it was all about the trials and tribulations of mental health illnesses, it doesn't mean it can't now be about life when it no longer controls you. 

your mind isn't a weapon and it's not gonna be used to control me, i wasted so many years feeling like i couldn't do shit because of it, the amount of times it's literally held me back and i'm done with that now. 

i've made so many mistakes, i regret a few things but let me tell you all something..

this used to be 'Living with a mental illness' and i'm damn sure we'll bring that to past tense, bitch i lived with one, i still slightly live with anxiety but it's not always that crippling and physically effecting like it used to be. 

i'd like to say thankyou to all the people that have read this blog and taken to time out to read it, it's been a bloody rollercoaster hasn't it? i'm not sure if this is the end or just a new beginning for us really, i'm sure we'll all find out together anyway..

lots of love and stay jazzy,
Liv x