#32.

There's certain situations I desperately wish I could change. Fact.
There's people around me that don't understand why I want to do certain things either, so here is my explanation for this bullshit..

I spent so fricking long being unhappy with myself, every time I tried to be happy with myself and be positive there was negative influences around me, and of course that didn't help at all. I spent so fricking long looking into a mirror and seeing something and someone I didn't like, it made me psychically sick to see pictures of myself or even take pictures of myself because I looked disgusting.
I went through a period of having this constant numbness, I didn't feel anything for anyone, I was emotionless.

Literally, I cared about nothing in this world. I had no friends, no people I'd even talk too, I'd be stuck in my house 24/7 unless I went to doctors appointments or counselling. I trusted no one, I barely trusted myself.
So, being in a state of constant fricking misery isn't healthy let me just say that but no one EVER will understand the pain that's going through your body or your heart. I was on a mission of self destruction and to be honest I didn't care. Family members kept saying do this do that but I couldn't give a shit about it.

I don't know about you guys but when I was growing up I always got told by teachers, my parents, adults blah blah blah.. that you can do anything in this world, you've always got to do stuff that makes you happy. I've now come to a good understanding that when I was little I didn't understand it, I just thought ''oh I can do anything that makes me happy'' but obviously that is not the case, you've got to do stuff that makes YOU happy and the people around you happy. Oh... wait?
How does that make sense? It doesn't right.

But, I've come to the very valid conclusion that NOONE ever in this world gets to have a say on how you want to spend your life, not your parents, not your siblings, NO FUCKING ONE.
Don't let people tell you how to spend your life, because they've got a life of themselves and if they wanna tell you how to live yours then maybe they should probably start doing shit that makes them happy huh.
If I'm in situations that cause me to have anxiety attacks then I'm going to not only do the best thing for me but for my health because there is NO WAY whatsoever that I'm ever going back to the shitty place I was in.

Everyone reading this listen here, never ever let people underestimate you or your dreams, because whilst they've already had their life to live and they've fucked up in some way or whatever they try putting their goals on you and that isn't right at all.
Live for YOU. YOU deserve it, you haven't come all this way just to live your parents or your siblings or anyone else's dreams.

LIVE YOUR DREAMS.

Ox.